Announcing the second annual Metamorphosism.com St. Valentine’s Day Limerick Contest, which is actually the fourth annual contest of its kind, having been held last year here and the two previous years at my old blog Feral Living here and here.
Rules:
- Deadline is 14 February 2005
- Post entries in comments to this post
- You may enter as often as you like
- Entry must be an actual limerick
- Last year we did psychiatrists/psychologists, and philosophers the year before that… Extra points this year for references to medical pioneers, microscopic animals and skin conditions.
- More arbitrary rules to come. Feel free to mail me suggestions.
- Same with the prize
As always, candy heart courtesy of Acme Heart Maker
(BTW, fixed the comments, which I h4XX0r3d earlier goofing around. Here is the first entry, sent to me by Joeri while the comments were broken:
“Look! It’s snowing”, said Fritz in Berlin
(He’s a rather fat guy with bad skin)
It’s his head which he shakes
That produces the flakes
And the winter has yet to begin).
“Look! It’s snowing”, said Fritz in Berlin
(He’s a rather fat guy with bad skin)
It’s his head which he shakes
That produces the flakes
And the winter has yet to begin.
it’s uncivil, it’s rude, it is bold,
for a microbe to mate when it’s cold;
but the ones Lister found
will fuck even ice-bound—
so be cautious where soft-serve is sold.
hi sorry for not posting a limerick, but this is still a limerickrelated question: does the limerick have to be in english? and can i do something frenchrelated websity thing?
dude! having fun in france?
the limerick should be in english, so i can judge it properly. german would be okay, any other language i’d have to take the word of entrants that it’s an actual limerick.
of course you can do a websitey thing. what did you have in mind? mail me.
Sir Fleming, mold-medicine’s beginner
A proven microbial winner
Defeats strep and staph
E. Coli? He laughs!
For viruses? Defer to Jenner.
My itching, burning athelete’s feet
Rubbed raw and red with intense heat
The smarter amoung us
Report “it’s a fungus!”
I’m convinced it’s a Yaw’s spirochete.
(I was dying to use “spirochete” in a poem!)
Stay out of the pond
A spotty streetsweeper from Hackney
Had terrible problems with acne
“an alternative career,
is what I need here”
So he went to work in a custard factory.
A diver by the name of McEnis
Found something odd on the end of his penis
He said, “I’m not really sure,
and I’ve been wrong before,
but it looks like Cyclosalpa affinis.”
The Polish woman Marie Curie
Discovered radioactivity
But every noxious fart
would glow green in the dark
and was enriched with Plutonium 240.
Dirty Tongue
Oh thank Christ, Mig’s started the Valentine’s Dirty Limmerick competition early this year so I can get away with not wiring any decent content and exercise my gross-out witicisms on something more worthwhile….
monday morning fun in lieu of earl content:
chain reaction movies
This day was just not meant to be, so I’m packing it up early – going home to take DJ to the doctor and then crawl back into bed and hope that things look better when I wake again. Of…
i was going to make one up featuring “carbuncular monstrosity”, but i am waylaid by the idea of beta having a blog! how cool would that be! make it so she can only post in english, okay?
i find the idea attractive and scary at the same time, because once the supporting cast starts blogging, it becomes obvious how much of this stuff i’m inventing, distorting and twisting.
Assuming that Beta is not inventive enough to invent, distort and twist by her own lights? I’d be surprised. Blood of your blood, flesh of, etc.
now on to another limerick:
You may think that my birthmark is grievous,
but appearances often deceive us.
So I try to console,
and avoid saying ‘mole’,
substituting the lofty term: ‘nevus.’
another valentine’s day on my own
no romantic text received on my phone
will it get any better
or am i THE social leper?
but like Carrie Bradshaw I’ll just type this and moan
Sigmund Freud sat in his chair
While cigar-smoked curled in his hair
He looked really pleased
With his pants to his knees
As he said, “your solution is HERE!”
Eienstein said with a smile
As he doodled on paper with style
“E is the equal of my MC squared
And if I saw you with your ass freshly bared
We could fuck like wild dogs for a while.”
A Surgeon General named Koop
Liked posing out on the front stoop
He dressed like a clown
With a great bearded frown
While his penis continued to droop.
Limericks aren’t tough to write
They’re simple to get fairly right
They can be contagious
If you get outrageous
If you think you can do it, you might.
you’re the pierre to my marie curie,
you’re itself to my amoeba – asexually,
and although it sounds brash,
you’re growing on me like a rash,
so happy valentine’s day, baby!
A clean slate
Irresistible! Let’s write on it! And here’s what you can do: Enter mig’s Second Fourth Ordinal Annual Valentine’s Day Limerick Contest. Write! A! Limerick! About a skin condition! or a medical pioneer! or a microscopic animal! I haven’t really asked
Hippocrates noticed a growth
On his phallus and testicles both
On discovering warts
The record reports
The very first Hippocratic oath.
Ms. Curie had a miniature duck*
Though it failed to bring medical luck
To minimise mass
From her waist and her ass
She went for a nip and a tuck.
* I have absolutely no idea why
There
Salk thought it might be quite keen
To stop polio, which he’d seen.
With flasks and in vials
Through many odd trials
He discovered a brand new vaccine!
For those who like trivia- this year marks the 50th anniversary of the announcement that the Salk vaccine worked (April 12, 1955).
My tinea cruris is hideous–
Not a sight for the over-fastidious.
My wife finds the encrusting
To be truly disgusting
And the odor is sickly insidious
The Trombiculadae, known as
When he died, circa 269
(Nudge, nudge), martyred Saint Valentine
Didn’t know on his feast
Every last mangy beast
Would consider it time to entwine
Doctor Fleming, the lucky young Scot,
Got a mold in his wee culture pot.
Penicillium notatum
Kicked the staph’s skinny bottom
And it’s good for whatever you’ve got.
Doctor Barnard exchanged the first hearts
Made of genuine cardiac parts
When a girl named Denise
Gave her heart, post-decease,
To one Lou, till the flu worked its arts.
A condition called Valentine
I called our love
A bug in Miami bananas
Was heard by the chief of Havana’s
Ministry of Recording
What We’re Not Affording,
But it only picked up old Santanas.
(This one has one of the three requirements only if you do British crosswords.)
Doctor Koch said, “The food is inferia
At the 7-Eleven cafeteria
But I find that my herpes
Is soothed by their Slurpees
And I’m fond of their fresh Escherichia.”
various
McSweeney’s E-mail shorthand that civil war soldiers would likely have used in letters home had the technology been available to them (via Making Light) The second annual Metamorphosism.com St. Valentine’s Day Limerick Contest… Extra points this year…
Roses Are Red: the 2005 Valentine Poetry Contest
It’s time for my third or fourth annual Valentine’s Day Poetry Contest (not to be confused with Mig’s Limerick Contest). This is totally different. Really. In fact, I’ll just copy and paste from 2003: When I was in fourth grade,…
There’s a lady who’s sure
All that glitters is gold
and she’s buying a stairway to heaven
when she gets there she knows if the stars are all closed
With a word she can get what she came for, ooh, ooh, oooooh, ooooh, ooh, and she’s buying a stairway to heaven.
Apologies to Led Zep for stealing their classic limmerick
guys, guys, don’t you know what the word anapestic means? don’t get carried away by penisses and marie curies and valentines!
you tell ‘em kid.
My darling, we make a great match,
You itch and I love to scratch.
I’m so lucky to find
A girl of like mind
With a permanent dry scaly patch.
Be my burning lover,
Just like a candle as it flickers,
I know i’ll set your wick alight,
When i get inside your knickers!
NICE GIVE ELVIS BACK HIS BRAIN TAKE ME HOME
For Azlyn:
If it were the key to your heart,
I’d produce the world’s biggest fart.
It sure would smell!
How charming a spell!
To love me would just be so smart!