Instruction #98: Whenever possible, send a child to feed the tortoise.

#99: Before bending over to pluck dandelion foliage for a tortoise, make sure your cell phone is stowed securely so it does not drop onto the ground.

#100: If your cell phone drops onto the ground, check it for mud before replacing it in your shirt pocket, especially if you are wearing a white dress shirt and it has been raining heavily.

#101: When changing out of a white dress shirt soiled with mud as a result of some stupid action on your part, do not announce this fact to your wife who is already in a bad mood.

#102: When your wife asks you to put a bottle of mineral water from the cellar into her car, it is up to you to realize that this means a small bottle from your car and not a big bottle from the cellar if all that is left in the cellar are large bottles.

#103: When leaving the daycare place in a big hurry after dropping off the youngest member of your family, things will – paradoxically – go faster if you take your time and open your car door completely before getting into the car, then close it carefully, instead of throwing it open and jumping in, because the door may bounce back and hit you in the eye, which costs you time as you sit there seeing stars, saying “ow, ow, ow!”

#104: If you tell your 12 year-old daughter, “I gave myself a black eye. Great, now I have something to blog about today,” she will only think you are weird.

#105: On the other hand, she is 12, she thinks you’re weird anyway.