Person 1: “Empty out the dishwasher, get the little one dressed *and* clean up after the Greek land tortoise? I’m not going to do all three, you have to do at least one.”

Person 2: “In that case I’ll take the dishwasher.”
Person 1: “Aha! You were on the computer last night! You saw the mess the tortoise made, and you left it for someone else to clean up!”
Person 2: “Well if you know about it, then you obviously saw it first, when it was fresh, yet you left it for the next person to chisel off the parquette floor after it got rock-hard.”
Person 1: [thinking... thinking...]
Person 2: “There’s a reason why all those ancient temples in Greece are still standing, man, the Parthenon and the Acropolis and stuff. I have a good idea what they used for mortar…”
Person 1: “Feh.”

[No reptiles were harmed in the production of this dialogue.]

Oliver was too dignified to ever do this.

And our mellow grey one is just too shy and lazy.

And the evil little red one, he’s far too creative. He likes to break into the neighbor’s pantry, then get stuck there when the wind blows the window shut, and run like hell when they open the door to see who’s meowing and pissing on all their food.

[Via Krisalis]

Is Cafepress offering SARS masks yet?

[Via Lulderij]

Today’s guest-poster is Zero Mostel

Hi, I’m Zero Mostel. Mig can’t come to the, the, the blog right now because he… you remember how he was complaining about a Kafkaesque day last week, well he’s having the same sort of day today only today, today there are also workmen in the next room drilling holes through the walls with large electric construction drills. It’s enough to make him wonder, wonder that when he was telling his kids after the cat died, telling them sure, maybe there’s a heaven but maybe our life here is heaven already and we just don’t notice, make him wonder if you know, if “heaven” wasn’t the exact word he was looking for.

1. Beautiful wife. Also brilliant and funny.

2. Brilliant, beautiful funny kids.
3. Most pets doing okay.
4. House.
5. Not getting bombed.
6. Full tank of gas.

Why am I so goddamned cranky lately? Honest to god, I shook my fist at some kids the other day! They were crossing the street at a spot with poor visibility about 25 feet from the crosswalk, where I would have seen them better, and I nearly flattened the little morons. But still. I shook my fist at them. And they laughed. Probably thought, “hey look, some grey haired guy in a family car is shaking his fist at us. K3w1.” Little did they know I was listening to Godsmack at 45.

I turned it up to 50 and continued on to the supermarket, where I did the shopping.

Is the Earth flat, or more sort of spherical?
Explain.

My wife and I argue sometimes.
About various things. This and that.
And when we run out of things to argue about, and start agreeing about stuff, I just claim that Cyndi Lauper is a better singer than Madonna.
Sure-fire argument starter at our house.
Like that stuff that comes in cubes you can put in your barbecue to get the charcoal going.
Madonna is brilliant in many ways, I acknowledge that.
But Cyndi Lauper has a voice, man. She can sing. Her songs are classics.
I was dancing down the shampoo aisle at the store this weekend when they started playing Shebop.
Anyway. Too bad Cyndi didn’t market herself as well.
What I’m getting at here, though, is not who sings better of those two, but what issue do you use at home when you run out of things to argue about?