Ethan Winer has a lot of shirts!

…I read it on the Internet.

I won’t say I lack passion, but the only time I taste blood is when I floss.

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Gamma: “Gah. This movie is so long!”
Gamma’s father: “But just think: if you were going to be executed when it was over, it would seem too short.”

• The smelt is a highly political fish, said to be closely allied to the grayling of the salmon family.

• One particular type of smelt, the candlefish is so fat at spawning time that you can stick a wick up its ass and burn it like a candle.
• When a smelt accidentally buys a cellphone with a camera because the zero broke on its old phone, the smelt smells trouble (with olfactory organs which are deep indentations with a smell-sensitive lining).
• After waiting in vain for an epiphany, the smelt will give up and go back to the store where it bought its Siemens C72 phone and ask how to get pictures it takes onto a computer, and will be told there is a cable that will do the trick, only it’s not in stock and the saleswoman doesn’t know when it’s coming in, could be in a week, could be tomorrow.
• No fool, the smelt in such a situation will go next door to another electronics shop and buy a cable.
• Unfortunately, no one tells the smelt that this particular cable only works on a PC with 500 mA USB ports, and it wastes an hour installing, deinstalling and reinstalling, deinstalling, downloading, unzipping, installing, deinstalling and reinstalling drivers on its work and home PCs before it reads the directions and checks and finds out that all computers to which it (the smelt) has access have 100 mA (actually more like 98) USB ports.
• The smelt will swear in such a situation that this is the last time it buys Fuxxor brand anything.
• Or anything with moveable parts, or containing copper for christssake.
• The smelt sometimes wonders what percentage of the gadget industry’s annual turnover can be attributed to consumers accidentally purchasing incompatible gadget accessories.
• Little is known about the smelt’s sense of taste. Its eating habits are sometimes destructive and cannibalistic.

Father: [Closing book, reaching to turn off light] And that’s why you should be a good girl and never, ever lie.
Gamma: Dad, look at me.
Father: I am looking at you.
Gamma: No, I mean directly at me. Straight-on.
Father: Like this, you mean?
Gamma: Yeah, I thought so. Your left eye is bigger than the other one.
Father: Bleener eye.
Gamma: What?
Father: I have bleener eye. That’s why I look brain-damaged in pictures.
Gamma: Heh. Bleener eye? It’s called bleener eye?
Father: Yeah, some people have one eye smaller than the other and that’s what you call it. How about now, are they the same size now?
Gamma: No. The left one’s still bigger.
Father: Hrm. Anyway. What were we talking about? Good night.
Gamma: Good night. And come check on me every…
Father: Every five minutes, sure. As always.