How to hammer in a long stick

  1. Find a stick and a hammer. Sledgehammer is good.

  2. Cut off end of stick at an angle, with coping saw. Pointy stick goes into ground more easily.
  3. Find good place to hammer in stick.
  4. The spot will be outside, of course, since that’s where the best ground is. But the stick is long so you need a ladder, which is in the cellar which is so far away, so you get the second-best thing:
  5. Find a 14-year-old girl.
  6. Talk her into climbing onto your shoulders and hammering in the stick.
  7. She’ll protest that she’s too heavy for you. Just tell her, no you’re not. You’re lithe as a young doe.
  8. She’ll say she doesn’t want to break your back. Assure her this is not a risk. It’s just picking up the heavy weights, the getting up part, that’s getting harder. The getting up joints – knees, back – aren’t getting any younger. But the standing stuff is still fine, seriously. Sit down on the steps, make her climb onto your shoulders. Think about the guy, Greek maybe, or Roman, one of those pantheon types, who lifted the cow every day from when it was a little calf. He could still lift it when it was full-grown. Full-grown cow. Strong guy. Interesting workout program. You’ve been lifting this girl onto your shoulders most days since she was a baby so you still can. Keep this analogy to yourself.
  9. Getting up, of course, will be a problem. Hang onto the fence to help yourself stand up. Use the stick if necessary. Hanging onto the fence with a sledgehammer in your hand won’t be easy, but it’s still better than letting her hold it while you try to get up with her on your shoulders, cause she could accidentally knock you with it. This way she has both hands free to grasp your head or whatever.
  10. Okay, now you’re up. Put stick in right place and give her the sledgehammer.
  11. Yes, it’s heavy honey. Sledgehammers are supposed to be heavy. It’s in their nature.
  12. Stand there holding stick while she hammers it in. Isn’t this more interesting than just climbing up onto a ladder and doing it yourself? She’s slender but strong, isn’t she. Hard rower’s legs grasp the base of your skull where the stubble is. What would a sledgehammer strike feel like? It would probably be a glancing blow, wouldn’t it, not a straight-on crushing blow the archeologists find centuries later and say was the result of a battle, or a tribal conflict or a ritual killing, sacrifice maybe. It would be a glancing blow, but still, ouch. Head injuries bleed so much, and this would certainly break the skin, shift some scalp an inch, expose a bit of skull, maybe a hairline fracture, lucky to get away without a concussion.
  13. Enough hammering already. If the stick is still wiggly, hammer a small metal post next to it and tie them together good for stability.
  14. Stretch cord between stick and fence, hang colored glass candleholders (protect votive candles from wind, decorative function).
  15. You’re ready for your barbecue.
  16. As added bonus, next day your wife tells you the girl told her, “dad is so strong!”

3 responses to “How to hammer in a long stick

  1. Wow. You’re insane. I can’t think of a parent in the world who would willingly give their teenager a sledgehammer and easy access to their head.

  2. That, right there, is love.
    Or, you know, absurdity.

  3. sue

    I know what you’re talking about with the standing part still being fine, but the getting up joints showing how much they’ve been used in the past!