I hereby claim this new word.

“You have a heart of stone”

What is your heart made of?

They used to say the world was flat and stacked on turtles. Now they say it’s a ball, without understanding the math. Their worldview has changed without affecting their knowledge.

You mellow with age: Now I only argue the world is flat when I’ve been drinking and feel whimsical.

I don’t understand microwaves either, yet stand back from the microwave oven when warming my meal. Nor do I understand love, yet believe I love you.

If you were absolute ruler of the entire world, what would you do? Besides mounting a big gun on the roof of your car, “Rat Patrol”-style, for slow pokes and maniacs?

1. Women are not turned on when you grope them in the subway, this has been empirically established.

2. Since yesterday we also know that jacking off in front of them on the train likewise fails to enhance your attractiveness or create an aura of mystery.

Yes! It’s true! My kid inherited the weirdo-magnet gene from her dad!

We’re all so happy.

Being a 14-y*ar-*ld gril, of course, she’s currently specializing in gr*pers and p*rverts, but it can be only a matter of time until the psychotics, schizos and messiahs start showing up on our doorstep or calling late at night from the top of the water tower or the drunk tank.

Buttered wife.