Sarah Palin takes John McCain hunting in Alaska. McCain collapses. Palin places an emergency call on her cell phone.

Operator: May I help you?

Palin: This is Sarah Palin. John McCain isn’t breathing and his eyes are all glassy. He might be dead. What should I do?

Operator: Calm down. We can handle this. First thing, let’s make sure he’s dead.

(Pause, then gunshot)

Palin: Okay, now what?

Or, no, wait, hang on:

McCain’s campaign advisor gets a call from McCain in the middle of the night:

McCain: My campaign’s dead, what should we do:

Advisor: Hang on, first we need to make sure it’s dead.

(Palin’s voice: I’m on it, John. (Pause, gunshot))

McCain: Sigh.

Hang on, no, wait:

McCain and Palin get on the Straight Talk Express. The driver berates McCain for choosing Palin as a running mate. McCain makes his way to the back of the bus/jet and sits down beside a new intern.

Bad day? the intern asks.

Bad day? I’ll say, McCain says. It’s spread from the liberal media. Now even the driver is giving me a bad time.

Don’t take it sitting down, the intern says. Go back up there and give him a piece of your mind, John. Here, I’ll hold your monkey for you.

Or, wait:

McCain goes in for a check up. Doc, I feel like hell, he says. My campaign is in tatters ever since I chickened out and tried to weasel out of the debate, and then looked like a jerk with Obama. What’s wrong with me?

The doctor looks at McCain for a minute, then says, well, your assessment of your situation is fine, John.