Unicorns, unicorns, unicorns. Lamas.

#1.

Salesclerk: You give these away as gifts, don’t you? I saw you in here last week buying some.

Man: Er. Actually I seem to collect them. I just love Moleskines. I can’t write fast enough to fill them up and they accumulate.

Salesclerk: Okay.

#2.

Girl: What’s that?

Man: [Sees group of 2-3 cars parked off the road, beside a large van. The rear doors of the van are open, revealing several tanks, one of which is open and emitting fog. Several men in their forties populate the scene.] Looks like a bovine sperm transaction to me.

Girl: Uh.

Man: They keep it in those tanks in liquid nitrogen. That’s what’s making the fog. What else would middle-aged guys be standing around doing this early in the morning, but buying bovine sperm?

Girl: Okay.

Man: Can you imagine? It’s someone’s job to extract bull semen?

Girl: [Leans back, looks at man, settles in] Okay.

Man: I wonder what it’s called. Bovine sperm extraction technician? And how is it done, exactly? Do they like have to wear a cow mask? Or… ew.

Girl: Heh.

Man: Hey, I have an idea for the mystery you have to write for your English test. They’re at Smith Mansion, right? Dinner party. Dessert is tapioca pudding? All their rich friends, right? Only the cook was a bovine sperm thief. Prize-winning bull, worth millions. And the police raid his kitchen, but all they find is tapioca pudding because he switched it. And the Smiths’ rich friends destroyed the evidence.

Girl: Okay.

Man: And somebody kills someone for some rea… ew. Now I have to think of something nice. Unicorns. Rainbows. Unicorns, unicorns, unicorns.

Girl: Lamas.

Girl: I forgot the word ‘suddenly’ yesterday.

Man: When I forget a word, I just use a different word with the same meaning. Or with a different meaning.

Man: I’m trying to think of a story for kids about a summer vacation.

Girl: They come to a town, but it’s abandoned. Everyone has locked themselves in their houses because a serial killer is on the loose. And they get attacked by the killer.

Man: Er. That might be too exciting for this market.

Man: AND THE KILLER IS KILLING EVERYONE BECAUSE HE’S UPSET OVER SOME BAD TAPIOCA PUDDING!!!

Man: You can use that on your English test today. You have my permission.

Girl: Unicorns.

Man: Lamas.

Lucky

I don’t want to jinx anything, but I have been somewhat happy lately. The German word for happiness is the same as that for luck: Glück. That feels right.

Not sure why. Maybe I’m sleeping better.

Maybe it’s the phase of the moon. Austrians are strongly affected by lunar phases. The moon is currently full, and the road to work was full of crazy asshats this morning. Either the full moon turns about 25% of Austrians into really bad drivers, or it makes me cranky, impatient and hypercritical.

I think it’s sleep, though. I have a phobia of going senile. After observing the process in two relatives, I have the feeling that there are aspects of the onset of senility that one notices about oneself and either accepts or denies, and there are (and this is maybe worse) aspects that one does not perceive. And I have noticed myself forgetting words and names. I tell myself that I have done this all my life and it is just the fact that I am 50 that I connect it with senile dementia, but one still worries. And I did get all flustered at the music store recently and buy a stack of sheet music that I had eliminated, and neglected to buy the notes I wanted, and had to go back the next day and exchange, but that can happen to anyone, right?

And now that I am sleeping, I feel less confused. So there’s that. And there is also the thought that maybe part of my problem is that I’m surrounded by so many sharp people. There are all you smart people reading this. There are all my smart friends. Many of you belong to both groups, of course. There are the women in my family who have been kicking ass lately. Gamma, who turns 13 in a few days, was at the doctor recently for a checkup with her sister and her mother, where the following conversation ensued:

Doctor: Und was hast du für Beschwerden, Gamma? (What complaints (symptoms) do you have, Gamma?)

Gamma: Ich kriege viel zu wenig Taschengeld! (My allowance is way too low!)

Anyhow. Maybe I need to watch Fox News for awhile until I start feeling smarter.

Eyjafjallajökull top ten significant things

  1. Looks awesome
  2. Reduces emissions (assuming this is accurate)
  3. Red sunsets (allegedly – it’s been cloudy  here evenings, and the one evening it wasn’t, I forgot and watched TV)
  4. A sky without airplanes is weirdly cool
  5. Hasn’t killed too many people yet, as I understand
  6. Not as scary as Katla.
  7. Fun to watch news announcers say, “Icelandic volcano” instead of trying to say the name.
  8. Has trapped my wife in Japan for at least another week.
  9. Makes me feel old when I talk about “the eruption of Mt. St. Helens back in 1980″
  10. Makes Reykjavik look easy to spell.

Careers in science: Balneology

The balneologist doesn’t fill the tub too full, in case he falls asleep.

Someone is dictating things to the balneologist.

And we create, sometimes in hopes of praise,
Sometimes as an act of love,
The way a mermaid sings
Or a child plucks an insect’s wings.

An old red cat sits on the balneologist’s lap and purrs and purrs. The balneologist taught the cat to eat when it was little, and that made the balneologist the cat’s hero. The cat is crazy about the balneologist.

When people tell the balneologist he is more exceptional than he gives himself credit for, he thinks, maybe. Maybe Dunning-Kruger is to blame. But what, exactly, is he supposed to be so good at?

He can’t remember.

The balneologist floats there in the tub, soaking, not drowning. When the water gets cold, turn the hot tap back on with your toes for a while.

So what is up with this hollowness at the center of our complex existence, balneologist? As if our lives were bells, except bells are neither complex nor hollow, they are open and this complexity doesn’t make music that the balneologist can hear.

More like as if life were cheap Easter chocolates.

It’s hard to sit there and be negative when a red cat worships you, or a kid puts her head on your shoulder while you’re watching TV, or calls you just to check on you.

The dictating voice says,

You are blessed as are we all. Come down out of your crazy tree of grief and accept your blessing of mortality and life, if only to watch the world go by and report on the craziness, or just to watch, or listen to the sounds. Come down out of your crazy tree and hold my hand or water all your pots of herbs and hold close your children while they grow, they need your warmth and the heroic reflection in your eyes. Come down and have a bite to eat and drink a glass of wine and sleep and dream. This is your lot, humanity, and no blessing is greater than for a human to be human, it is the only blessing. Come down out of your tree and forgive yourself, forget your aspirations and have a look around.

To be blessed, to be blessed, the balneologist thinks.

Come down out of your crazy tree and sit by me and hold my hand, I am just as scared as you.

Coincidentally, it was the 20th anniversary of Twin Peaks

What is this all over my bag? [tastetaste]

Hm. Pizza sauce. The miniature pizzas I packed for lunch a few days ago were insufficiently wrapped, it seems. Packaging is important. Life reminds us of this occasionally.

So anyway there we were at our friend’s place. Being terrible guests. Late. Lost. But finally there. I was exhausted and could barely stay awake. My wife was making up for it. I felt terrible, though, our friend was running back and forth between the dining table and the kitchen and we just sat there watching.

She brought in food. The musician said something about the spinach when she brought that in, because he didn’t like spinach.

Then she brought in the main course. It looked interesting. It looked like a little alien, skinned and roasted amidst root vegetables. They conversed about it. Apparently it was rabbit, and our hostess was surprised that none of us were into rabbit. Except as pets.

I stared it down. If it moves, I thought, the night will be perfect. If it moves, it will be Eraserhead, I thought.

Come on, move.

But it didn’t move, as far as I could see. We ate it. One friend pleaded vegetarian and just ate vegetables and spinach. Her husband the musician took some rabbit, but just had a taste. He may have had some vegetables. No spinach, though.

Alpha had spinach and vegetables. She took some bunny rabbit, but ate none, not even a taste, maybe because I mentioned that her piece was ear-shaped. I had rabbit and spinach. The spinach was great. I neglected to take other vegetables because I was busy waiting for the pieces of rabbit in the pan to move. A roast rabbit puppet, I thought, would be awesome. You could really have fun with guests. “Here, have some rabbit!” and they stick their fork in, and the rabbit goes “Squeeeee!”

Rabbit is kind of chewy. I suppose because it is a wild animal. If you imagine you are starving in a post-apocalyptic scenario, like The Road, for example, it’s mouth-wateringly delicious. If you imagine you’re sitting around a dining table with friends trying to stay awake, it’s okay, except that it’s rabbit.

If it’s beef, you think the cow doesn’t die so you can eat it? So what’s the difference? Logic, I regret, does not change the fact that it’s rabbit.

Anyway. Staying awake was so hard. The cats had gotten me up at 3:30 that morning, I kept looking at the sofa and wondering if it would be weird if I lay down for a brief nap.

No one else was helping carry dishes back into the kitchen so I helped a little, but I got a late start and it didn’t help much, it sort of just emphasized that no one else had been helping.

Panna cotta. Panna cotta was dessert. One of the guests made a joke about how it resembled raw tofu, but I found it tasty. Is panna cotta complicated to make? I bet it is.

“Would you like coffee?” our hostess asked me, as I sat at the table, eyes narrowed to slits, having a particularly vivid dream while still endeavouring to follow the conversation around me.

“Yes, please,” I said.

Shit and gadgets (more on escatology)

The Shadow is wary. There is a hobo spider somewhere on his desk, and yesterday three people tried to kill him on his way into work, within a space of five minutes:

A white compact car, an orange garbage truck, and a large multi-colored delivery van.

An animal, a vegetable and a mineral.

Bill Gates, the Pope and Bob Barker.

The Shadow says, go fuck yourself.

It’s a Shadow, what were you expecting, good advice?

It is not a question of anything, the Shadow says.

It is a  question of stripping naked, the Shadow says. Stripping naked out in the desert while a hot wind blows. Stripping naked in your back yard while the neighbors call the cops or post videos to Youtube.

It is not a question of getting more shit and gadgets.

Shit and gadgets. Shit and gadgets. Shit and gadgets.

Says the Shadow.

Welcome to the 21st century, the century of shit and gadgets.

Shit and gadgets will set you free.

I may be drunk, madam, but tomorrow I shall be sober and you’ll still be shit and gadgets.

Shit and gadgets. Ask not what your country can do for you, ask for shit and gadgets.

I have a dream of shit and gadgets.

Shit and gadgets.

Four score and twenty years ago, our forefathers had shit, but no gadgets yet.

The quick brown fox jumped over shit and gadgets.

I kid you not, the Shadow says.

Now, come out, little spider. Wherever you are.

The Golem

Golem sit in front of new TV.

Golem tell girl how unutterably stupid all the show are for a little while until he notice he spoiling all girl fun. Then he stop.

Golem watch stupid show for a while and cuddle with girl. She put head on Golem shoulder, which give Golem nice, fathery feeling.

Girl turn off TV and they sit and watch black TV. That a little less boring than watch show, just chill and talk.

Girl go to bed. Golem watch TV some more (still off). Golem fight sleep in front of turn off TV. Golem let three cat out. Cat want back in because raining out. Golem notice wind blow shed door open. He go out in rain and put back rock that hold shed door shut. Golem wonder, hey, what that buzz/doorbell sort of ring sound?

Golem figure out doorbell short out in rain.

Golem go out to gate where doorbell button is. Golem reach in slit to wiring and wiggle he finger around to see if something loose.

Neighbor all see Golem skeleton like in cartoon.

Golem pull finger back out. Golem go, Hey, that not 220 volt. You call that 220 volt? Still, Golem have extra spring in step when go back into house.

Doorbell box on wall smell like fire. Box first go Bzzz then Dinnnggggggg then Zzzt and make big spark. Then light all turn off.

Golem look around and determine that all flashlight in house have dead battery or not in right place where suppose to be for state of emergency.

Golem make lot of noise move ladder around in dark. He look at doorbell box with dim light from cell phone. Golem find little tiny screwdriver to fit screw that hold it on and take it off then look around floor with dim light from cell phone for little screw that he drop but he not find it.

Golem take off face plate and loosen two screw inside and take out so doorbell not go Zzzt again when he go out to fuse box and turn light back on. Golem leave ladder there and faceplate off so maybe wife figure situation out when she get up early because have to work while he get to stay home and sleep in on account of holiday.

Golem go to bed. Golem get up later because cat make noise which mean cat want out. Knock stuff off table and stuff.

Cat hide, but Golem know hiding place. Two cat. One cat hide under sofa. That cat dumb and easy to catch. Other cat hard to catch so Golem use science. Golem leave office door open. Cat go downstair, Golem go downstair. Cat go upstair hide in office. Golem go into office close door. Cat corner. Cat go to door, pretend I just normal, good cat, I just want out this door please okay? Golem say, okay kitty. Golem pretend to open door, catch cat. Golem throw out cat. Golem catch easy to catch cat. Golem throw that out too. Sensitive cat also want out, because he not stand all this drama no more.

Fourth cat already outside. So no cat inside! Yay!

Golem go to bed.

Golem wife ask what up with ladder?

Golem tell wife story about doorbell.

Golem and wife sleep. Sweet dream, Golem.