Welcome to the 2022 metamorphosism.com International Valentine’s Day Limerick Contest

Time and space have grown elastic.
Words have no meaning.
The free market isn’t the perfect solution we were always told.
The matrix just can’t be arsed anymore to chase down all those glitches.
But there is one immutable perennial constant that never changes:
Welcome to the 2022 metamorphosism.com International St. Valentine’s Day Limerick Contest.
Read all the rules before entering.
Like always, please leave your entries in the comments to this post.
Enter as often as you like.

This year’s themes:
(Also check further down the rules for newer and/or more specific prompts/themes)
Cults, religious and otherwise
Your favorite parasite
Life hacks
Personal growth
plus bonus themes to be added as the contest progresses
All participants are required to consult the combined FAQ/rules below BECAUSE THEY CHANGE WHILE THE CONTEST IS GOING ON.
Like every year.


  • Does it have to be a limerick? YES. This is strictly enforced, and non-limericks will not be accepted. Google correct limerick form if you are not sure.
  • How do I enter? POST YOUR ENTRY OR ENTRIES in the comments to this post. Click on comment, or whatever is down there, and add a new comment.
  • When is the deadline? THE DEADLINE is 14 February 2022
  • Do you mean 12 midnight on the night of the 13th or midnight on the night of the 14th? And which time zone shall have seisin of jurisdiction? We have had considerably confusion in the past! NINE AM (CENTRAL EUROPEAN TIME) 14 February 2022.
  • Is there a prize? Maybe. I have been making a lot of marmalade, maybe I could send you a jar subject to transport costs, customs regulations etc.
  • Is there a limit to how often I can enter? NO. You are encouraged to fall into a limerick frenzy and enter as often as you like. The more often you enter, the better your chances.
  • Can entries be bawdy? YES, absolutely. These are limericks, they can be bawdy, gross, you name it. It’s not required, but it is in the nature of the genre. ALSO: this is for St. Valentine’s Day so points awarded for love/romance/sex-related poetry. However, entries offensive to the contest operator will be deleted at his discretion, for offenses including but not limited to racism, and misogyny, and politics to which I object.
  • Complaints and other negative trolling will be deleted. There is no avenue of appeal. Decisions of the judges are final. Be nice, and have fun, and don’t take this too seriously.
  • Is there anything else I can do to be deleted? Yes. Besides complaints, anything else that is not a limerick will also be deleted, especially anything remotely similar to trolling, nastiness or disagreeing with me. That will get you deleted, and whatever else our technicians here can think up. This is meant to be a fun and light-hearted.

Let’s see, what else? Oh yes.

  • Bonus points are awarded for any of the following (No limit to how many themes you may include, the more the better):
  • Feel free to write me and suggest some!
    Alternate solutions to J3ff Bezos’ yacht/bridge problem
    Your favorite carbonara recipe
    Something involving alcohol
    Your favorite high-end booze
    A kink
    Legal systems (historical and present-day)
    Party drugs
    Dr. Kellogg’s anti-masturbation cure
    Historical cures for idiocy
    The worst thing your cat ever did
    1970’s porn movie plots
    1970’s porn movie plots involving insects
    Scientific theories
    Obscure scientific theories
    Something that gives you joy

    Check back often, more will be added (and others eliminated) as the month progresses

    (More themes to come, watch this space.)

By entering you grant metamorphosism.com permission to publish your entry electronically on metamorphosism.com, in social media (including but not limited to twitter.com, facebook.com and anything else) as well as in book form, although the latter is REALLY unlikely, and has never happened yet, without compensation (this is a non-profit venture, and any possible, although unlikely, book would be, you know, for charity most likely). I have never published them anywhere but here, but who knows?

14 responses to “Welcome to the 2022 metamorphosism.com International Valentine’s Day Limerick Contest

  1. Serenedipity

    The beauty of being pansexual
    Is attraction is often contextual.
    If a pan likes a man
    Or a woman, or tran
    There’s no limit to what might come next, you all.

  2. Serenedipity

    The jigger digs in human toes
    And other beasts where warm blood flows
    They’ll cause a staph
    And that’s quite naff.
    In Peruvian deserts, wear your shoes!

    Can I get away with saying that I am deliberately mispronouncing the footwear here?

    The wonderful thing about jiggers is jiggers are wonderful things.

  3. KayO

    The idiot may baffle with his lies
    And others, more astute, his ways despise;
    So many of us hate him –
    We want to isolate him –
    But “love alone can truly socialize.”

  4. KayO

    He knocked at the door. She said, “Hey kid,
    I’ve only this minute awaked.
    Your pizza delivery
    Is making me quivery;
    Come on in and let’s both get naked.”

  5. KayO

    There once was a lady in Paris
    Who’d chosen to dine on the terrace
    Alas! Her poor tongue
    Was repeatedly stung
    By an angry Vespula vulgaris.

  6. Perry Iles

    My cat once found something to eat
    That might once have even been meat
    And when cleaning his litter
    I found the wee shitter
    Had left writhing live worms as a treat

  7. Perry Iles

    When a neighbour popped round to borrow sugar
    My immediate desire was to hug her
    But she didn’t want me
    She just wanted sweet tea
    And my first reaction was “oh bugger.”

  8. Perry Iles

    It’s willpower that teenage boys lack
    But Kellogg’s got the perfect life hack
    So if you are banking
    On preventing them wanking
    Tie both of their hands at the back.

  9. Perry Iles

    If you find that you’ve fathered a fool
    Who does nothing but sit there and drool
    Put him to work now
    In pulling your plough
    And you’ve saved yourself buying a mule

  10. Perry Iles

    In the old days they use to burn witches
    Or hang them or drown them in ditches
    So if you had a wife
    That was giving you strife
    You’d accuse them of witchcraft, the bitches

  11. Perry Iles

    I’ve a big ginger cat, he’s a hard ‘un
    He once killed a dove in the garden
    An angel’s white wings
    With blood, bones and things
    In heaven I hope he’ll be pardoned

  12. Perry Iles

    My cat once brought home a live rabbit
    And working as if just by habit
    Dragged it under the bed
    And tore off its head
    Before any of us could grab it

  13. Perry Iles

    My cat once brought home a live bunny
    And thought that it might be quite funny
    To drag it to bed
    And tear off its head
    Then fuck its warm corpse up the cunny

  14. Perry Iles

    My bad cat has passions quite gingery
    If he could, he’d wear black leather lingerie
    When his sister came round
    He pinned her to the ground
    To add incest to insult and injury