Yes, that’s right.
It’s February already.
And that means one thing.
If you guessed a holiday symbolized by something that looks a lot like a prostate, you’re close.
The 2014 metamorphosism.com St. Valentine’s Day Limerick contest is open for business.
Because we are almost as serious about poetry as Russians are.
‘Is there a prize this year?’ I hear you ask. The answer is, Yes, there is a prize. The prize is my book ‘The Bug’, chock full of whimsical Bug comics. More information on The Bug is available here, and if you would like to purchase a copy you may do that here.
Before entering the contest, please read the following rules. To encourage you to read the rules, instructions on how to enter the contest are hidden within the rules.
- The more often you enter, the better your chances of winning. But read the other rules first.
- Violation of any of the following rules may hurt your chances, so, really, read them.
- And never forget, any of the following rules are subject to change without notice, at the whim of the contest organizers, and by entering you accept this fact, and all of the rules, even though they may change at any time, because the rules are a work in progress, an organic thing, ever-growing and ever-changing, the way a shark must always swim to stay alive, or one half of a dolphin’s brain is always awake.
- Entries must be limericks. (This rule never changes, promise.)
- Entries should be artful and delight the reader’s artistic sensibilities.
- Being limericks, entries may of course be humorous, bawdy, shocking, obscene, etc., but this is not required. All that is required is that the entry be a limerick (A-A-B-B-A rhyme scheme, etc, look it up).
- Points are subtracted for violation of any of these rules.
- Points are also subtracted arbitrarily in accordance with the application of the algorithm of unfairness.
- Bonus points are awarded for incorporation of bonus themes, listed below.
- Bonus themes: Edgar Allan Poe, especially The Raven; Norse mythology; Hugh Hefner; disfiguring diseases;
finger lengthhuman anatomy in general; wet-plate collodion photography/photographers; Olympic athletes and events; 21st-century financial products; revolutions and revolutionaries throughout the ages; utopias.
- Bonus themes are subject to change during the contest, possibly rendering entries previously eligible for bonus points suddenly ineligible.
- But don’t worry, it’s all good.
- Entries should be submitted in the comments to this post.
- Deadline is 14 February, winners will be announced 14 February.
- Judging and other procedures in the conduct of this contest pretend to be crooked, but they are actually pretty fair, but there is never any guarantee this will be the case this time. Just assume the contest is crooked and unfair and you won’t be disappointed.
- Complaints will be deleted.
- There is no right to, nor avenue of, appeal.
- You may enter as often as you like. So check back often to read all the new entries and see if the rules have changed, or the bonus themes.
- Feel free to email me at email@example.com if you have any questions or find one particular limerick especially great or whatever.
- Please have fun.
- Last, but not least: my deep thanks to my talented friend Bran Fox for designing the logo for this year’s contest.
People wear t-shirts of Che
By the thousands, right up to this day.
At forty bucks each
They’re a good way to teach
Us all of the capitalist way.
Over drinks Heff advising Dave King
said, about clandestine snapping,
“Though your blood it may curdle,
don’t shy from the hurdles,
but in a hedge not a bush, be trusting”
There once was a Hefner named Hugh
Who decided, “Here’s what I’ll do:
I’ll photograph nude
All the women I’ve screwed
And all those I haven’t screwed, too.”
There was a young coed from Dallas
Who was fixated on her boyfriend’s phallus
During sex in the dorm
He could never perform
Unless he had just popped a Cialis
There was a young man from Coronado
Who was an aficionado of scatological bravado
He once lit a fart
That backfired in part
And now he has hemorrhoids tostado
Quoth the Raven: *ahem* Nevermore.
Nevermore. Nevermore. Nevermore.
It’s completely transparent
That my dubious talent
Is to croak out a rhyme with ‘Lenore.’
There once was a fembot, utopic
In surgical need, arthroscopic
The doctor on call
Drove her half up the wall
The other half, kaleidoscopic
On Valentine’s Day people send
Their love to a partner or friend
But think about this
Every time that you kiss
You make a tube with an ass at each end
Wet collodion photographer Brady
Showed his darkroom to a handsome young lady,
“As the darkness envelops,
We’ll see what develops,
For the plates must be kept somewhere shady.”
After flocking to his date in a rush
Exclaimed he “Yon bird is quite butch!”
The poet’s love raven
Still thought he a mavin
‘Cos Poe folk don’ spec much
The North Korean leader Kim Jong-un
Sometimes gets a strange urge – it’s a strong ‘un
So he’ll whip out his wang
In his room in Pyongyang
And do his poor wife up the wrong ‘un
Hugh Hefner just said what they hey
And married twin sisters one day.
He said it’s not bigamy
Or even polygamy
If they both have the same DNA.
Many years ago Poe married Clemm,
Only 14, and cousin to him.
Code-named Annabel, Lenore
And Helen, what a bore,
When her real name rhymes so well with “phlegm.”
As speed-skating starts, I compose,
Of a fictional athlete I chose.
And though Sochi is tired,
I’m still quite inspired.
By the leper who won by a nose.
I had a Norse god near the Fjord,
With such passion, like no one before!
I keep his name private,
Though I seek medical solace,
Since our dalliance left me quite Thor.
In my life, I might have to miss
all feelings of erotic bliss.
I’ve got elephantitus,
and leprosy – give us a kiss!
I’m worried for my darling Esther
The SEC came to arrest her
When I had no money
I still was her honey
And she was my angel (investor).
The US has spared no expense
In training their ladies and gents.
Though they have been seeing
No medals in skiing
They win all the X-Games events.
There once was a girl from Nantucket
Who kept her glass eye in her pocket
To her boyfriend she said
If you’re looking for head
You can put your bell-end in the socket
First, I would like to thank everyone who took part in the limerick contest this year. Things were quieter this year than in some years past, but the quality of entries, overall, was as high as always. No matter the theme, you manage to turn it into elegant poetry.
The grand prize this year, a book of Teh Bug comix, goes to schnitzi who impressed the judges with form, extra-credit themes, ingeniousness and quantity.
Lisa D takes second place, for similar reasons. It was close. The second place prize is a copy of Teh Bug comix.
In fact, I wish I could send all entrants a prize but I have to save a few copies of the book as Mother’s Day is coming, my children’s birthdays, etc. However, Tony Plante earns honorable mention with his wet plate photography limerick. Prize winners please email me your mailing addresses. Anyone else who would like a book email me too, and I’ll see what I can do.
Thanks again to everyone who took part. I hope you had as much fun as I did.
Congratulations Schnitzi, I pass the crown and sceptre to you to hold for the next twelve months. I think we should have our names engraved upon something.
Congratulations, winners. It was good to see such a variety of entrants this year, and all of the poems made me laff. Thanks, all!