I turn 50 in May. I would celebrate this the usual way, by adding a new number in my “about” information in the right-hand column of this blog, but my wife insists that Austrian custom requires something more elaborate.

So we booked a cellar* for 9 May, which is a Saturday. Please let me know if you can come (metamorphosist(at)gmail dot com).

Here is more information, if you are the type of person who needs more information:

If you read this blog, then I probably consider you a friend and you are invited. The cellar is in the village of Königstetten, a bit west of Vienna, across from the church, directly beneath the police station. Transportation there from the nearest train station can be provided.

It will probably start around 7PM. Children are welcome. There will be food, nothing fancy. If any vegetarians RSVP then I will endeavour to include some vegetables. We are looking for a band now. There will also be wine and beer, and cake.

The cellar is a really neat-looking old wine cellar. If there is some sort of catastrophe during the party, involving radioactive fallout, say, you will be glad you came.**

*Please, no Austria/cellar jokes.

**Also, I am fanning the embers of this intense self-pity and depression I am currently experiencing in connection with the upcoming festivities in the hope that they burn themselves out and I am a real fun guy at the party.

What was in my coffee this morning? The scoops weren’t any bigger than usual, and I didn’t even finish the pot* but I’m sitting here smoking my slicks like a dragster, man. What a week: Monday my daughter axed me for money for the train to France because how long can a girl be expected to exist without Urban Decay products? Tuesday I write a story for a book and it is accepted after some revision to add additional craziness. Today, who can say what today will bring?

Here in Austria one is expected to ask for something big for one’s “round birthdays”, otherwise the guests at the expensive dinners you are expected to pay for feel uneasy or something. You’ve always wanted to see Iceland, someone said to me, for example. Actually, I’ve always wanted tickets to Sigur Ros, and find Björk hot in a björkish way, but it would be nice to see a geyser and a pony and people shaking their fists outside banks and stuff.** I’ve wanted to go to Scandinavia in general. To the North. To places where it is not so fucking sunny, and you can see the Northern Lights. Aurora borealis: a summer or winter phenomenon? And, I say not so sunny, but the days are longer in summer, so does it average out? I say not so sunny, but if it’s dark most of the time that might be overdoing that, winter-wise.

Here is what I know about Scandinavia, besides Apocalyptica:

Sweden has moose and mosquitos

In bars in Copenhagen, the bartenders are topless and Filipino transvestites hit on you.

Norway: ???

Finland: Nokia, interesting choirs, Leningrad Cowboys.

So an educational trip would be appropriate.

OTOH, are dobro ukuleles any good? They sure look neat.

*of coffee, dur

**in truth, if any Icelanders are reading this, I have wanted to see Iceland for a long time and I know it is a very beautiful place. I am not slagging your country.