2017 metamorphosism.com St. Valentine’s Day Limerick Contest


This year’s contest is closed. Thanks to all entrants, and all visitors.
I originally planned to announce the winners earlier, but then I got busy at work, and when I got home I had to make a couscous/vegetable dish that seemed as if it would go quickly, but involved a lot of peeling and chopping so here we are.

The winners:
First of all, our sincere appreciation here at metamorphosism.com to everyone who entered. Everyone had sweet dispositions this year despite a few abrupt but unavoidable random (but mostly minor) rule changes, and there was no fighting or bickering, which was a big relief. So thank you, dudes, it was a lot of fun reading your poetry.
Before I continue: should the entry period be longer next year? It seemed to flash past this time, but maybe I’m just getting older, old people are always talking about how fast time goes by. Or maybe I was just busy (I was). Are two weeks enough? Would three weeks be better?

Ok, the winners:
First of all, to each entrant I say: we should get together for a coffee or a drink or something sometime.
By the way, when we were in Ireland early last year, my wife and I – my wife is investigating our ancestors and we hired a genealogy butler and she claimed to have found the village my Irish ancestors came from, a few miles outside Limerick.
Where else could they possibly have come from.
It felt like in that one movie where the cities fold up only it was generations of my family history, folding up neatly on themselves.

Ok, anyway, the winners:
Oh, PS: do you think the creepy little clown drove people away? I thought it sort of captures the shadow side of the holiday, you know? But maybe that is better left to the limericks instead. I’ll try to have a more attractive graphic next year.
Here we are:
Honorable mention goes to Cj for an autobiographical work about having Georgia on your mind. NICE TO SEE YOU AROUND AGAIN CJ!!! Have fun in Tbilisi.
Third place goes to TH who is apparently saving those worse limericks he was working on for next year’s contest. See you next year TH (if not before).
Dee gets the silver medal: three really fine limericks and hit a lot of the bonus themes as well. I was really happy to see you contributing, Dee.
Perry Iles takes first place this year, due only secondarily to one of the secret rules of this contest (“Perry always wins”) and primarily to both the quality and quantity of his entries, and his admirable ability to turn on a dime and incorporate new bonus themes as they arise, and also his occasional fucking with scansion, which made me LOL.
See you all next year. Thanks again!

Welcome to the 2017 edition of the metamorphosism.com International Limerick Contest.
Please leave your entries in the comments to this post.

Enter as often as you like.
This year’s theme: CURRENT EVENTS, plus bonus themes to be added as the contest progresses
All participants, new and seasoned veterans, are encouraged to consult the combined FAQ/rules below BECAUSE THEY CHANGE WHILE THE CONTEST IS GOING ON.
No one knows why.

  • Does it have to be a limerick? YES. This is strictly enforced, and non-limericks will not be accepted. Google proper limerick form if you are not sure.
  • How do I enter? POST YOUR ENTRY OR ENTRIES in the comments to this post. Click on comment, or whatever is down there, and add a new comment.
  • When is the deadline? THE DEADLINE is 14 February 2017
  • Do you mean 12 midnight on the night of the 13th or midnight on the night of the 14th? And which time zone shall have seisin of jurisdiction? We have had considerably confusion in the past! NINE AM (CENTRAL EUROPEAN TIME) 14 February 2017.
  • Oh by the way, I have a Quince tree on Cranes Lane. I think I should get a multiplier for that fact. No, sorry, that was last year. Secret multiplier in place.
  • Is there a prize? NOT YET but that might change.
  • Is there a limit to how often I can enter? NO. Enter as often as you like. The more often you enter, the better your chances.
  • Can entries be bawdy? YES, absolutely. These are limericks, they can be bawdy, gross, you name it. It’s not required, but it is in the nature of the genre. ALSO: this is for St. Valentine’s Day so points awarded for love/romance/sex-related poetry.
  • Complaints will be deleted. There is no avenue of appeal. Decisions of the judges are final. Be nice, and have fun, and don’t take this too seriously.
  • Is there anything else I can do to be deleted? Yes. Besides complaints, anything else that is not a limerick will also be deleted, especially anything remotely similar to trolling, nastiness or disagreeing with me. That will get you deleted, and whatever else our technicians here can think up. This is meant to be a fun, light-hearted, non-political past-time.
  • Let’s see, what else? Oh yes.
  • Bonus points are awarded for inclusion of themes listed below (No limit to how many themes you may include, the more the better):
  • Last-minute addition: Scottish insults (particularly in combination with USAmerican politics..)
  • Current events i.e. tacky kakistocracy, apocaplexia, alternative facts, Trump, etc etc etc think of it as catharsis.
  • Use of the phrase “tacky kakistocracy” or something even better
  • Utopian visions
  • Musical genres (see here for ideas, thanks Carola!)
  • Cormac McCarthy, Don DeLillo, William Gibson et al
  • Field dependence vs field independence
  • Quantum theory
  • The Tibetan Book of the Dead
  • William S. Burroughs
  • Funeral planning
  • (More themes to come, watch this space.)
  • By entering you grant metamorphosism.com permission to publish your entry electronically on metamorphosism.com, in social media (including but not limited to twitter.com, facebook.com and anything else) as well as in book form, although the latter is REALLY unlikely, without compensation (this is a non-profit venture, and any possible, although unlikely, book would be, you know, for charity most likely).

    Now, get cracking.

12 responses to “2017 metamorphosism.com St. Valentine’s Day Limerick Contest

  1. Perry Iles

    On Valentine’s Day you can send
    Love letters or cards to a friend
    But think about this
    Each Valentine kiss
    Makes a tube with an arse at each end

  2. TH

    There once was a asshole called trump
    who grab-handed girls by the rump
    until he met Cass
    who tazered his ass
    now he’s just an impotent chump

    (working on worse ones)

  3. Cj

    There once was a doctor in DC
    Who found that it wasn’t quite easy
    To live, love, and work
    In a town of such jerks
    So she moved to the burbs of Tbilisi.

  4. Perry Iles

    The POTUS has passions quite gingery
    He tore his own daughter’s best lingerie
    He groped her behind
    Then made up his mind
    To add incest to insult and injury.

  5. Perry Iles

    On Valentine’s Day Kim Kardashian
    Will epitomise glamour and fashion
    But poor Kanye West
    Never sees her undressed
    Which strikes me as somewhat irration

  6. Dee

    There once was a man from Fitzrovia
    Who longed wistfully for utopia
    But outside his door
    Was only eyesore
    For he lived in a JG Ballard dystopia.

  7. Dee

    There once was a man in Annexia
    Who’s typewriter couldn’t be sexier
    But when the drugs ran dry
    He said “I really must fly,
    I can’t be expected to write compus mentia”

  8. Dee

    There once was a young belly dancer
    Who desperately sought a clear answer
    Growing out of cyberpunk
    She fell into a funk
    Saying “I must find myself a new romancer”

  9. Perry Iles

    DeLillo, McCarthy and Gibson
    Found a cookbook they all claimed first dibs on
    They sat round a camp fire
    Eating cabbage and samphire
    from a platter with grits and spare ribs on

  10. Perry Iles

    The Tibetan Book of the Deaf
    Was a typo the editors left
    They thought the typography
    Would attract new demography
    If they added an index and ref

  11. Perry Iles

    See youse, ya fat orange-faced wanker
    Ye’re pals wi the big shots and bankers
    But I’d give ma ain life
    For some hole off yer wife
    If it widnae be riskin yer rancour

  12. Perry Iles

    The Book of the Dead has no equal
    No antecedent and no prequel
    But with the death toll in China
    And throughout Asia Minor
    There’s a very good chance of a sequel