Metamorphosism International Valentine’s Day Limerick Contest, v.2012

The Metamorphosism 2012 St. Valentine's Day Limerick Contest

In the spirit of Art’s Birthday, which today is, namely participatory and cooperative creation of art, it is a great pleasure to announce this year’s Metamorphosism International Valentine’s Day Limerick Contest.

Over the years, hundreds of brilliant limericks have seen the light of day thanks to this contest, and we are looking forward to seeing a lot this year. As always, there are rules which, as always, are subject to arbitrary change at my whim, at short notice and unannounced. The decisions of the judge will be final. There will be at least two prizes this year, maybe more. Contact me if you have a prize you’d like to donate. My email is Two prizes have  already been donated, one by Bran, her book The Slow-Moving Person’s Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse: A How-to for the Survival of the Unfit, and the other by me (with fine-art illustrations by Bran), namely a remaining copy of my book Little-Known Facts about Various Marine-Dwelling Animals (if I can find it in my messy studio).


  • Entries must be genuine limericks. Look up what a limerick is before entering if you don’t know.
  • Make entries as comments to this post.
  • Include a valid email address so I can contact you if necessary. Emails are not published.
  • Limericks are famous for being raunchy, so this contest is open only to people old enough to be writing raunchy limericks, even if the actual limericks you enter are not raunchy, because there is a chance you will at least be reading raunchy limericks.
  • These are limericks, and the contest is for Valentine’s Day, so thematically they should include something related to love and/or sex, requited or not. Obsession, attraction, etc. are also okay.
  • Deadline is February 13, 2012, because the winners will be announced with much fanfare on February 14, 2012. It is the last Valentine’s Day in the history of mankind, if the Mayans are right, so make your entries count.
  • I would like to publish a volume of the best entries from past years, so by entering you are giving me permission to (possibly) publish your entry in such a volume, without remuneration (any profits will be donated to charity). Otherwise all rights remain with authors.
  • Extra points: (Be sure and read this rule; it is practically impossible to win without extra credit)  Extra credit is awarded this year for references to / incorporation of the following: MARITIME DISASTERS, STRIPPERS, POLITICAL SCANDALS, AND SPERM DONATIONH.P. Lovecraft, Australian place names (especially Wollongong and Tweed Heads), esoteric philosophy, and wrestling holds. New entries following the previous, superceded rules will be DISQUALIFIED.  literary parody (especially Cormac McCarthy), obscure sciences, consequences of environmental pollution, various chimera by name, Japanese Noh theater actors, anthropological concepts, functional recipes, and types of knots. And the apocalypse.
  • You may enter as often as you like. Multiple entries are encouraged, and improve your chances of winning.
  • You are encouraged to spread the word about this contest.
  • Have a nice day.
  • PS on your way out, why not go watch my videos on youtube? (IMPORTANT: According to my youtube stats, many of you have not been following this rule!)
  • Or go take a look at the 2009 contest, which was a very good year for poetry.

(Many thanks to bran for this year’s logo!)

270 responses to “Metamorphosism International Valentine’s Day Limerick Contest, v.2012

  1. Jann

    Re: “But, that’s just it, Jeter. This was never a “legitimate contest.” Look around you – you’re at a weblog. You’re complaining about rule changes when the one guiding rule of this contest is that the rules will change for no given reason.”

    Bran, I have absolutely no idea what this is supposed to mean, and you probably shouldn’t have said it. This contest has always been presented as being legitimate, and I don’t see what rule changes or the fact that this is a weblog have to do with it. And Jeter was complaining about one particular rule change, which seems to have been made for the purpose of getting an already written limerick into the contest, one that, but for the rule change, wouldn’t have qualified for extra points. So I think he has a case. And Jeter mentioned one book, not two, so perhaps it was yours that he hadn’t heard of, as had I not, though I’m sure I would find it interesting. But I am quite sure that people don’t enter this contest for the material prizes.

  2. Jeter Coffee

    I, of course, spoke out of anger and apologize for my offensive comments about unknown book titles. They may be splendid books.

    MIG certainly has the right to set whatever rules he wants. It’s his “contest” legitimate or otherwise. If you remember I initially took mig’s side when Jann expressed her displeasure about being slighted. She was right from the beginning that the judge didn’t apply the annnounced rules, but I spoke in support of mig and, like you, encouraged her to come back next time. But when she pointed out that 3 out of 6 judges favorites ignored the rules and when I discovered that mig adjusted the rules as a secret favor to a friend, I decided that this wasn’t the kind of “contest” I wanted to participate in anymore. I said so and gave my reason.

    And now to the source of my flash of anger. MIG then gets on the line to compare himself to a god looking down on us 10 year olds. Cripes, Bran, I helped recruit the new limerick writers, I genuinely complimented the authors of many really good limericks, I thanked mig for putting on the contest, and I suggested he state the rules more clearly next time. He seemed to agree. Now we’re to believe the rules never meant anything from the beginning and any idiot should have known that by, hmmm, by reading the rules. Okay. I get it now. This is a meaningless exercise in collaborative art. I enjoyed being part of it, but I have no interest in being a part of it anymore. If I had known the contest rules were non-rules and the contest was a non-contest, and if I had known I could privately send a limerick to mig to get him to mold the rules around my private submission, and had I known mig would declare a fair and square outcome to a non-contest in the face of Jann’s slight, well, I wouldn’t have joined in the “fun”.

    Listen, perry and schnitzi and Janet and Jason and Patti and Jann and a bunch of other folks wrote some very enteraining and fun limericks. I enjoyed it. I enjoyed writing them, too. I think I wrote some good ones. I don’t think mine were better than Perry’s, schnitzi’s, Janet’s or Jann’s, but I was pleased with some of them. But if you really think any of us were hoping for literary fame, you have an inflated concept of this blog. I just wanted a fair contest and it’s obvious this one wasn’t a normal contest. It was a collaborative art project. It was a non-contest. That’s great, but it’s not what was advertised and it’s not something I’m interest in.

  3. Jeter Coffee

    So, while I initially took mig’s side, I’m now 100% in Jann’s camp and I apologize to Jann for downplaying her complaints. And, Jann, the OEDILF has limerick contests periodically that are true contests. Fair and square. You’re good at this game. I renew my invitation to you to join the fun there. And it would be great to see perry and schnitzi there, too. And if mig’s contest is your cup of tea, please stick with it.

  4. Jann

    Thanks, Jeter, for the vote of confidence. Having you in the contest definitely made it more fun. I was looking at OEDILF today; it looks pretty interesting…

  5. Jann

    One might guess that the fans would be curious,
    When they heard that Mig’s contest was spurious,
    It was never legit!
    And how did that sit?
    Some were ho-hum but others were furious.

  6. Jeter Coffee


    I just came across another limerick contest that some of you writers may be interested in. The deadline is March 1st. I can’t see that there is a set theme, though the contest is in celebration of St. Patrick’s Day. Perry. Schnitzi. Jann. Janet. Jason. Ruchiccio. Patti. Joeri. Lawrence. Lisa. MIG. Bran. Calling all writers! The contest winner could very well be in this group!! Here’s the link:,com_events/Itemid,251/agid,3928/day,14/month,02/task,view_detail/year,2012/

    Good luck!

  7. Jeter Coffee

    More information about the contest (and incentive to you California writers who enjoy wine:

    Limerick Contest Prizes:
    21 + category: 1 free wine club membership for a year
    Teenagers, young adult category (13-20): $100.00 i-tune gift certificate
    Kids, 12 and under category: $100.00 Toys R Us gift certificate

  8. Jann

    Thanks for the info, Jeter. Sounds like a fun contest. (I wish I knew more about wine). But luckily, we can google!

  9. Jeter Coffee

    Here was a winning one from another wine contest (though I can’t see what it has to do with wine):

    I once knew a fellow named Sweeney

    Who spilled some gin onto his weenie.

    Then just to be couth

    He added vermouth

    And slipped his young lass a martini.

    —Faith Love, Chesterfield, VA

  10. beta

    UNLEGITIMIZEDLY speaking on behalf of the loose confederation of commenting weirdos,


    REAFFIRMING that this contest was in the past (and kind of starting to hope that in the future it will not be) open for everyone,

    RECALLING that entrants gave up their publishing rights by entering and thereby agreeing to the rules,

    CONDEMNING the very personal targeting of Mig Living and related personas,

    RECOGNIZING the very important role the somewhat elusive concept of “getting the joke” (or, in fact, at least trying to grasp a thread of the many jokes involved, instead of blatantly ignoring them and stomping on their fragile über-ichs) plays,

    CONSIDERING the creative quality playful banter can generate,

    1. HARSHLY CONDEMNS the tone this discussion has taken on, and
    2. ASKS, without looking at anyone in particular, all those who can’t participate without including hurtful, ridiculously accusatory, and spiteful comments in their replies to
    a. go get a life, and
    b. please take it to the wine contest for under 12-year-olds.

    Thank you.

    PS: Learn to FUCKING read. Especially if you’re going to pretend to be a stickler for the rules.

  11. Jann

    There is an old expression: “Least said, soonest mended.” There is a lot of truth to this. I think there has already been plenty said here, and I admit that I have been partly (but only partly) responsible for prolonging the discussion. I can see nothing to be gained by further prolongation, belaboring of points already made, using vulgarity, nor calling (some of) us twelve year olds. Nothing at all. It’s really very simple; there was a contest held. Some people were not completely happy with some aspects of the contest.
    There was an airing of views. People disagree, and are, at times, unhappy with each other. This is the human condition. Restating one’s viewpoints in ever stronger language or bringing up new issues will not help. Please, can this be over now? There are no winners here, only a bunch of not very happy people who would be happier if this were over.

    If anybody feels that I have insulted him/her, or have been rude or nasty, I apologize. That was never my intent.

  12. beta

    not calling anyone a 12-year-old. just saying, the wine contest is open to them. sounds very legitimate to me. as I said, learn to read or don’t bother. please. also, there was a winner, i just wasn’t you for once. bummer.

  13. mig

    Announcing the limerick contest comment contest.

  14. mig

    I just kissed a chicken, it had five fingers.

  15. Jann

    “Dreaming in my Maidenform bra.
    “Dreamed I danced the Cha-Cha-Cha.”

  16. Cracklin’ ho-hos on the fire!

  17. Jeter Coffee

    Better living through chemistry?

  18. Jeter Coffee

    Here’s another interesting limerick contest for anyone who may be interested (Jann?). In this one you have to write a limerick that tells the story of a Saturday Evening Post illustration.