In the spirit of Art’s Birthday, which today is, namely participatory and cooperative creation of art, it is a great pleasure to announce this year’s Metamorphosism International Valentine’s Day Limerick Contest.
Over the years, hundreds of brilliant limericks have seen the light of day thanks to this contest, and we are looking forward to seeing a lot this year. As always, there are rules which, as always, are subject to arbitrary change at my whim, at short notice and unannounced. The decisions of the judge will be final. There will be at least two prizes this year, maybe more. Contact me if you have a prize you’d like to donate. My email is metamorphosist@gmail.com. Two prizes have already been donated, one by Bran, her book The Slow-Moving Person’s Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse: A How-to for the Survival of the Unfit, and the other by me (with fine-art illustrations by Bran), namely a remaining copy of my book Little-Known Facts about Various Marine-Dwelling Animals (if I can find it in my messy studio).
The rules: (NOTE UNFAIR AND ARBITRARY RULE CHANGES MADE ON 7 FEBRUARY 2012 SUPERCEDING PREVIOUS RULE CHANGES)
- Entries must be genuine limericks. Look up what a limerick is before entering if you don’t know.
- Make entries as comments to this post.
- Include a valid email address so I can contact you if necessary. Emails are not published.
- Limericks are famous for being raunchy, so this contest is open only to people old enough to be writing raunchy limericks, even if the actual limericks you enter are not raunchy, because there is a chance you will at least be reading raunchy limericks.
- These are limericks, and the contest is for Valentine’s Day, so thematically they should include something related to love and/or sex, requited or not. Obsession, attraction, etc. are also okay.
- Deadline is February 13, 2012, because the winners will be announced with much fanfare on February 14, 2012. It is the last Valentine’s Day in the history of mankind, if the Mayans are right, so make your entries count.
- I would like to publish a volume of the best entries from past years, so by entering you are giving me permission to (possibly) publish your entry in such a volume, without remuneration (any profits will be donated to charity). Otherwise all rights remain with authors.
- Extra points: (Be sure and read this rule; it is practically impossible to win without extra credit) Extra credit is awarded this year for references to / incorporation of the following: MARITIME DISASTERS, STRIPPERS, POLITICAL SCANDALS, AND SPERM DONATION
H.P. Lovecraft, Australian place names (especially Wollongong and Tweed Heads), esoteric philosophy, and wrestling holds. New entries following the previous, superceded rules will be DISQUALIFIED. literary parody (especially Cormac McCarthy), obscure sciences, consequences of environmental pollution, various chimera by name, Japanese Noh theater actors, anthropological concepts, functional recipes, and types of knots. And the apocalypse. - You may enter as often as you like. Multiple entries are encouraged, and improve your chances of winning.
- You are encouraged to spread the word about this contest.
- Have a nice day.
- PS on your way out, why not go watch my videos on youtube? (IMPORTANT: According to my youtube stats, many of you have not been following this rule!)
- Or go take a look at the 2009 contest, which was a very good year for poetry.
(Many thanks to bran for this year’s logo!)
268 Comments
Back to love and sex and no Iceland this year?! Oh, dear. But just to start things off:
A chimera, if ever I’ve seen one,
Tis her eyes: she’s one blue and one green one,
In bed she’s depraved,
Or demurely behaved,
She’s two lovers: one nice, and one mean one.
Jay!
The cryptozoologist pondered
What on earth is it good for, he wondered,
to tie a goat – for God’s sake -
to a lion and a snake
The benefits all will be squandered
’cause of recent nuclear radiation
Many Nôh actors underwent mutation
“Three little girls from school” they sing
and “Nine million bicycles in Beijing”
to many an audience’s frustration
Penelope Violet Dupree
Is surely the sweetheart for me
Though there may be some trouble
When my folks clock her stubble
And fondness fo bourbon whiskey.
A knot is a knot is a knot
Lest it’s loose, because then it is not
It’s a piece of chrochet
made from circle, they say
and Euclidean space is its plot.
It’s outrageous, this corporate doing,
The newlyweds just might be suing,
With smog levels exceeding,
Safe levels, they’re needing,
Their asthma inhalers while screwing!
In Endicott, yes, and nearby,
TCE’s from the tap, oh, my, my,
When your heart goes flip-flop,
And seems like it will stop,
It’s not love; it’s the water supply!
TCE, or trichloroethylene, is an industrial solvent contaminating water supplies and known to cause heart rhythm disorders.
Mig, it should’ve been “Three little maids from school” instead of girls. That’s what happens when Wikipedia goes offline for a day.
If SOPA passes, the limerick contest will be impossible.
With a sailor I was so bewitched
That something inside of me twitched
But the ring he forgot
When tying the knot
And now we are only half-hitched.
After Cormac McCarthy
lucille, you old pa done gone wild
when he heard you is carryin’ my child
but I told him afore
we already got four
so I don’t know why he gets so riled
A phrenologist that was named Earl
had a crush on a skull of a girl
How developped! He said
Even though you are dead
Oh, my heart beats and my head does twirl!
The atmosphere was solipsistic
And the audience apocaplectic
to think that man’s evolution
would be barred through pollution
by “Simple Truth” dvd’s plastic
The knots in Joe’s stomach were taut,
They felt like clove hitches, he thought,
A date, he had made,
With a lady most staid,
Twas this virtue’s reversal he sought.
The Japanese Noh: long and boring,
With the audience waaay close to snoring,
Jim and Julie ducked down,
Twixt the seats, on the ground,
Of their love, there ensued an outpouring.
The lovers were keen on adventures,
(They just had to take care for their dentures),
Gerocomy, they read about,
Elder sex, much was said about,
And their lewd, public acts brought them censures.
A chimera’s what one could assume,
She’d consumed her own twin in the womb,
The behavior persisted,
Though lovers resisted,
Their bones stacked up in the back room.
I rebelled against faith and The Bible,
Armageddon, and Baptist revival.
Now the Mayans insist,
Without evangelists,
2012 will see no more survival.
Apiologist Kerr was obsessed
With the African bee, quite complex.
But leave it to Taber,
(And his tiny bee “saber,”)
To knock-up the queen without sex.
Help! I’ve been stricken with chronic italics! Curse you HTML.
Dearest Nancy, my love, wrote the sailor
who was fishing for whales of a whaler
I’ll come visit you soon
And I’ll bring my harpoon
Alas he just didn’t know how to mail her.
Help! now I’m stricken too!
Entries stricken by italics will be disqualified.
Including my last comment.
There, fixed it. Those of you using html tags in your entries are encouraged to close them properly.
[Whilst on the subject]
When one’s stricken with chronic italics
it is time to call in the mechanics
all hail HTML
makes my limericks look swell
So no reason for alchemy, astrology or dianetics
Thanks for fixing my leaning text. I will not mess with such dangerous effects again!
At Kyoto’s Noh theater one night
My missus and I had a fight
I said that the waki
Looked, in fact, Iraqi
And she said “I think that he’s shite.”
The hole in ozone of course is
Depleted by CFC sources
Though none seem aghast
It’s sufficiently vast
For four men to ride through on horses
lol @ #29, Schnitzi
& #11, Sandra – dead ringer for Cormac.
smog colored snowfall
love and apocalypse poems
i laugh over tea
Numerologists tell me it’s near
That we won’t last much more than this year
I don’t care where I go
But this much I know
Armageddon the fuck out of here
Of those who toward Mayan views lean,
I’ve heard there are some who are keen,
On a huge shopping spree,
And then giggling with glee,
No payments till two-o-thirteen!
My wife sidled up just to say,
“Do you know it’s St. Valentine’s Day?
That’s a date we should keep.
(If you weren’t so dang cheap,
We’d at least dine the Hog Trough Buffet).”
Outdoor wedding plans? All torn asunder,
When the rain poured amidst clapping thunder.
The wet bride looked bizarre,
Now twice soaked at the bar.
The groom fumed at the weatherman’s blunder.
There once was a lady named Lynn
Who endeavored to live without sin.
But her neighbor got amorous
And it felt pretty glamorous,
So she thought she would try it again (… and again … and again …).
There’s an elderly fellow named Joe
Whose organ gives nothing but woe.
He takes pills for E.D.
And needs Flomax to pee
Since he simply can’t come and can’t go.
E.D. is an abbreviation for erectile dysfunction. Flomax™ is a drug which helps men urinate by reducing enlargement of the prostate.
The outcome was wholly unplanned.
Nine months after his hot one-night stand,
He was at the marina
When he got the subpoena
And paternity test court command.
A sinner knelt down for confession
That turned into an extra long session.
The detailed love feast
That was told to the priest
Won a trophy for sexual transgression.
There once was a fellow named Lloyd
Whose adenoids really annoyed.
It caused him to snore,
And the chicks to abhor
The bedroom they once had enjoyed.
I’ve a sports car, a brand new Corvette,
And it’s driven me deep into debt.
But if a hot chick’ll
Jump in for a tickle,
Oh man, I will have no regret.
There once was a lady named Nell
Who thought sex would condemn her to hell,
Till the preacher at church
Called it “Christian research.”
(As researcher, she did rather well.)
The critics all loathed DH Lawrence
The public screamed out their abhorrence
The courts said “it’s filth!”
To the gamekeeper’s MILF
As they spurted out censure in torrents
Sticking needles in people is fun
But you need to know how it is done
Acupuncturists agree
the arrival of Qi
is just like nailing the pin for the pun
It boggles my cerebral cortex
That they’re still making things out of Gortex
The way that it’s made
It won’t ever degrade
And ends up in the Pacific Trash Vortex.
“Pollution”, and “Noh”, one might need,
And I’ve seen some good lim’ricks indeed,
But the brain can get addled,
When it is saddled,
With having *romance* take the lead!
Sue and Johnny were eager to screw,
In the once scenic lake, but who knew?
Twas a poisonous stew,
That’s what fracking will do,
The searchers found only a shoe.
•fracking is hydraulic fracturing, a mining technique which is poisoning our water and (some think) causing earthquakes, and ruining the beauty of the land.
Biorythmic arrhytmia I adore
I got rhytm and music for four
Fell in love with her gaze
My sine waves ‘re out of phase
Who could ask for anything more?
A young eschatologist said
In a voice that was dripping with dread
“If Heisenberg’s right
Then empiricism’s shite
And we might as well all go to bed.”
Miyoshi, a lover of Noh,
Was obsessed with Shinsaku Hōshō,
She’d heard he was serious,
It made her delirious,
Only problem: he died long ago!
Pollution has vast consequen΄ces,
Its effects can defy any fences,
Can be global or focal,
Or just one local yokel,
But the danger to our species immense is.
My chimera, oh what is her name?
She’s mosaic, a type: not the same.
Had a cellular mix-it-up,
And no one could fix-it-up,
She’s a bounty of beaux, quite the dame!.
I gotta say there are some dang good limericks here, and Perry, you’re my personal favorite so far. Limerick #31 is a spectacular pun!
But I’m not sure what it has to do with Valentine’s Day , sex, or romance. Nevertheless, you’re good, Dude.
Chimeras can also be fish,
Although most people spell it like this:
Chimaeras, some kinds,
Have poisonous spines,
And use claspers when the lady’s a dish.
Whirling dervishes, when they are freaking
(I overheard the anthrolopologist speaking)
Turn so fast round their axe
- Those are really the facts -
that their Eustachian tubes just start shrieking
My concept of touristic hell:
lots of Dutch campers trying to tell
directions in fluent French
Vocal cords in a wrench
Does Xenoglossia ring a bell?
There is something I greatly admire:
Glossolalists that sing in a choir
Some say speaking in tongues
Explains the need for big lungs
That’s why that girl Glossosoloist I desire
Maria had studied memetics,
But her preference was for genetics,
To have egg and sperm bond,
Was her heart’s wish most fond,
And her efforts that way were frenetic.
Of chimeras, some facts little known,
They have cartilage frames and not bone,
Sexual parts on their heads,
Eyes of green but not red,
See the photo, where one type is shown.
Photo: http://oddanimals.com/chimaera-fish
Also, re green eyes: http://www.itsnature.org/sea/fish/chimaera
Of chimeras, some facts little known ;-),
They have cartilage frames and not bone,
Sexual parts on their heads,
Eyes of green but not red,
See the photo, where one type is shown.
Photo: http://oddanimals.com/chimaera-fish
Take the flowers and candy how sweet
Add some lust, it’s a must, be discreet
Next account for the wine
It becomes a straight line
For a Valentine’s lost balance sheet
Be my Valentine dearest you must
If you won’t my soft heart may just bust
I might live in despair
Lose all hope, lose all care
Or go find someone else, I’ll adjust
She is draped in silk colors aglow.
She looks sweet and petite through the show.
He’s beguiled. Next he asks
For a date. She unmasks.
She’s a he. Damn, he just didn’t Noh.
Gordy thought Suzie was hot.
He lusted her her quite a lot.
When at last they entangled
He felt fireworks — star-spangled!
But for her, just a “Gordy, um, not.”
Be my Valentine dearest you must.
If you won’t my soft heart will just bust.
I will live in despair.
Lose all hope. lose all care.
Then go find me a shrink to adjust.
She’d dreamily swallow then cough it.
When it came to end he’d get off. It
Made Daniel feel swirled,
Like the end of the world.
The vixen was into the profit.
According to Wikipedia’s article on apocalypse future events were made known to the Biblical prophet Daniel through a dream.
Lou and Lizzie were lovers; they each,
Were appalled at this plastic’s far reach,
So for Valentine’s Day,
Lou took Lizzie away,
To help clean up a Yucatan beach!
See: http://www.latimes.com/news/nationworld/world/la-fg-mexico-beach-pollution-20120128,0,2261593.story
There’s a typo in #64 above. I hope it’s within the rules to allow me fix my mistake. Let me try again:
Gordy thought Suzie was hot.
And he lusted for her quite a lot.
When at last they entangled
He felt fireworks — star-spangled!
But for her, just a “Gordy, um … Not.”
Dominatrix in leather (the “master”)
With a whip? Recipe for disaster.
Just some Valentine fun
Till you find out the one
Getting whipped is your very own pastor.
The rules said functional recipes. :-)
Maeko searched for a functional recipe,
For to whip up a no-fail beauty tea,
When she goes to see Noh,
Her best face she must show,
She’s a big crush on Yoshimasa Kanze.
Maeko said, “Since it’s Valentine’s Day,
I could try on some new lingerie.”
Yoshimasa Yoko
Thought of only one Noh –
“Noh, I’ll stay and you’ll just have your way.”
Oil in two parts, blend sugar, we mix.
Add the whipped cream in dollups, then fix.
When the oven gets hot
Put it in on the spot
We’ll be cooking together by six.
Since our wrists aren’t pretty when bare,
I strung two beaded bracelets to share.
Mine spells ○○ⒷⒺⓈⓉ○○ in red beads;
○○ⒻⓇⒾⒺⓃⒹⓈ○○ in purple yours reads.
These are symbols of love we can wear.
I’m proposing tonight, so she’s getting
A ring. Since my budget’s not letting
Me spend like a king
I’ll go green with this ring…
With an emerald stone in its setting.
A few key-strokes, it takes just a sec
To deliver a sweet, love-filled peck.
Since I’ve so many friends,
This emoticon trend’s
Got me bending my actual neck!
To love you’s my greatest endeavor
Since you are my best friend forever.
But should you betray
Me, you’ll certainly pay—
I’ll rename you my “best friend for never.”
To disunify means to divide.
Like if hubby and wifey decide
That they’ll sever the tether
That binds them together;
UNITED thus winds up UNTIED.
Each friendship of mine’s a dilection,
A connection of love and affection.
I make each selection
With skill and perfection—
But you, dear, have not passed inspection.
A Happy last Valentine’s Day*
*According to creatures of May**
**Yes, those darn Mayans.
One of their sayin’s:
Your days are all numbered. OK?
I’m writing this limerick from scratch
And what, you may ask, is the catch?
To rhyme my Line 1
With the second. There, done.
And to make sure the fifth is a match.
When there’s no place else you can go,
You should see this inscrutable show.
All the actors wear masks
Which can simplify tasks
And THAT’S all the Japanese Noh.
Though skillful at philematology,
Barry’s also quite good at pseudology,
And though his smooth kisses,
Charm many young misses,
His lies make him not what he oughtabe.
I’m not a romantic type guy.
And the reason? Hell, who can know why?
I come from a tribe
That is hard to describe
From a land that one cannot descry.
I’m about to give up on romance.
I asked out my crush to the dance.
She told me to split,
To make tracks, to eat shit…
(Could you loan me a tic tac, perchance?)
If you would just show me your fanny
I’d teach you to tie a nice granny.
But when she said “Not!”
I simply forgot
That some words are what you call “tranny.”
Now Johnnie, his sweetheart, to woo,
Wished to take her ice fishing, it’s true,
But that darned C O 2,
Made the lake not freeze through,
Now that’s a fine how-do-you do!
http://morningjournal.com/articles/2012/01/24/news/mj5623259.txt?viewmode=fullstory
In the book the Apocalypse came,
And it’s true, it’s a zero sum game.
Cuz the death of romance
Didn’t slow the advance
Down The Road of full Pulitzer fame.
Daggone it, I meant to say the road TO fame, not the road OF fame in #88. I need a better proofreader.
A young fellow wanted to know
Just how much he should pay for a ho.
Said her muscular pimp
“Well, you’d better not scrimp.”
There you go, business pro, there you go.
When we get to the prophesied times,
When the Doomsday Clock belts it’s last chimes,
I’ll be safe if I’m with
Mr. Franklin D. Smith.
Who is that? I don’t know, but he rhymes.
Here’s a double:
I’ve researched chimeras, and Noh.
And mixed in some sex, that is so,
But Cormac McCarthy,
His books I cannot see,
And so, Robert Frost, here we go.
My small horse must think it most queer,
To stop where there’s no farmhouse near,
But we, my sweet dove,
Are quite madly in love,
And no one will see us out here.
Ha! I like it, Jann. You got chimeras, Noh, sex, Cormac, and romance. All tied up in a pretty neat bow. … wait a minute that gives you a knot, too! Nicely done.
Thank you, Jeter.
The voluptuous torso of Dottie—
What a body! She’s really a hottie.
I once sneaked a peek,
And it made my knees weak.
(It turns out that she teaches karate.)
Just a few sips of wine for romance
That he hoped he would find at the dance.
Later on a big THUD!
And our drink-sodden stud
Lost his partner, his pride, and his chance.
This needs a rewrite. Sorry to have messed it up the first time.
In the book, the Apocalypse came.
And it’s true, it’s a zero sum game.
Cuz the death of romance
Didn’t slow the advance
Down The Road to pure Pulitzer fame.
But let’s go back to #92, my double limerick. You do realize, Jeter, that the limerick you complimented was just meant to be a lead in to my literary parody. ;-) I would think most people, (but then it’s hard to be sure these days), would be familiar with “Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening.”
But then I just noticed that the sentence, “Entries are customarily quite good so you will need extra points to win.”, no longer appears in the rules. That should be great for some people!!!
I forgot the link that goes with this one, so I’d just better repost it.
Maeko searched for a functional recipe,
For to whip up a no-fail beauty tea,
When she goes to see Noh,
Her best face she must show,
She’s a BIG crush on YOshimasa KANze
http://performingarts.jp/E/art_interview/1.html
Dripping wet at the pool stood sweet Jeanie.
Pete assessed her physique and bikini.
“I don’t mean to impose,
Wanna shed those soaked clothes
And slip into a tall, dry martini?”
Jann, yes I got the literary critique in your double lim. I just forgot to include it in my list.
The awaking Great Old One, Cthulhu
Wrote a death threat to God, in Hebrew
But the postman couldn’t read
His demonic screed
And delivered it to Woolloomooloo
* maybe change ‘death threat’ to ‘love letter’ as it’s for Valentine’s Day and all?
death threat, love letter, it all comes out the same in the wash, right?
STATEMENT OF THE RULES: “New entries following the previous, superceded rules will be DISQUALIFIED’
STATEMENT OF “TRACKBACK/PINGBACK”: “I have changed the rules to this year’s limerick contest”
So does that mean all previous submissions before the rule change will not be judged? Or will it be judged under the old rules? Or are all previous limericks disqualified from the game completely? What kind of strange place have I found myself?
Joe Perth was a Canberra dweller,
He liked wrestling his wife in the cellar,
With a good camel clutch,
Or a clawhold, or such,
Of his love, that’s the way he would tell her.
When I write a limerick under the new rules, I feel I need to post it right away before they change again ;-)
Harry Cairns was a Fremantle resident,
And inclined toward an esoteric sentiment,
For his lady love named Maura,
Had a very lovely aura,
And the Odic force was thus completely evident.
Jann, can you explain the rules? Are all the old thrown out? Are we starting over? Are there two contests now? Are all the limericks thrown in together and judged against each other such that the winner can come from either grouping? I’m confused.
“Lovecraft’s a favorite of mine –
Sends shivers the length of my spine.”
This she said on our date.
Wow, I found a soul mate!
Then the book she showed off was my sign.
(So. You thought of a better punch line?)
In the dark, with a lit candelabra
Crept in stealth a recruit of the Fatah
From behind came a touch
Then a quick camel clutch
And H.P. exclaimed “that’s quite macabre!”
A camel clutch is a wrestler’s hold. H.P. Lovecraft was a writer of macabre, weird science fiction. This lim is weaker than my great grandmother’s 15 year old Yorkie.
I believe that all the limericks will be judged by the rules in effect when they were posted. One contest. No worries :-) (Just be sure to check the rules for changes before posting.)
Thank you for answering.
Legspread? I’ve a Master’s Degree!
Breast smother, crossface? Whoopee!
Knee lift? Uncontrolled …
What’s that? WRESTler hold?!!
It sounded like Lovecraft to me.
Actually they ARE wrestler holds according to this:
http://www.mixedwrestlingholdsgallery.com/holds/index.html
RE-WRITE ALERT!
“Lovecraft’s been a favorite of mine –
Sends shivers the length of my spine.”
This was said on our date –
Wow, I found a soul mate!
Then she left for the bookstore. My sign.
(What? You thought of a better punch line?)
In Melbourne lived a good wife named Lulu,
Who lived in great fear of Cthulhu,
Although frozen with dread,
She was quite good in bed,
Never fear, love, for divorce I’ll not sue you.
For pronunciation: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BkGqJqvWOUs
@ comment 106.: I don’t see anything unclear about NEW entries following the SUPERCEDED rules being DISQUALIFIED.
also, I propose extra points for limericks including wollongong (with the correct syllables stressed)and tweed heads.
(The webmaster responds: your proposed rule changes have been implemented)
Partly rugose and utterly squamous,
It attacked as I donned my pajamous.
With a Tonga death grip
It made my heart flip
And we’ll honeymoon in the Bahamous.
Gory special, Death Star, Tree of Woe
Have all ravaged my heart, and I know
Har Megiddo is not
A salubrious spot
To recover. Mount Beauty? Let’s go!
We should incorporate a name that even residents pronounce in various ways?
Armageddon approaches. The strong
Stomp the weak, and it cannot be long
Till we folk in Tweed Heads
All are fried in our beds.
O my love, let us go to the Gong.
Chthulugirl has an ebook of all of Lovecraft’s solo work, here
http://cthulhuchick.com/free-complete-lovecraft-ebook-nook-kindle/
A spirited young lady from WOLlongong,
One DAY started belting out the Hula Song,
Said her lover, thought sappy,
There’s a reason she’s happy,
She plays tennis just like Evonne Goolagong.
To hear pronunciation: http://oald8.oxfordlearnersdictionaries.com/dictionary/wollongong
A strapping young braggart from Perth,
Sought to prove to his lady his worth,
Tried to wrestle, gung-HO,
Quickly lost (Tree of woe),
And his sweetheart could not hide her mirth.
The Tree of Woe is a wrestling hold:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Professional_wrestling_holds#Tree_of_Woe
Might “rougeous” in my first verse be changed to “rugose,” please?
(fixed it – Mig)
A happy young matron from Tweed Heads,
In her garden plucked off all the seed heads,
Then she and her hubby,
Got all lubby dubby,
And right in the midst of the reed beds!
ONLINE DATING PROFILE
State your name: Peter Atticus Longindong
Name your school: University Wollongong
School of thought: Esoteric
State your job: I’m a cleric
Leisure time: Mostly girlfriend clawin’ thong
(Jeter, sorry my spam filter ate your first 2 tries with this one; if that happens again to anyone mail me and I’ll despam it – Mig)
There are a lot of good entries in this contest, but Jann, I gotta say #123 has to be in the running for top prize. You mixed an Australian place, a wrestler’s hold and a sweetheart into a seamless story. The measure of a good entry in this contest is blending all the random elements into something that tells a story (at least that’s what it would be if I were judge) and you hit that one out of the park.
I’m enjoying every one of these!
Thank you kindly, Jeter.
ALERT! clicking on the sidebar to enter THIS contest will take you to a DIFFERENT contest!!!
(Fixed it, thanks for the heads-up, Jann. -Mig)
RE #130. I’ve already exposed my ignorance of all things technological so I don’t know why I should be reluctant to show my ignorance one more time, but I am. Nevertheless, I don’t know how to click on the sidebar. I hit the “One Trackback/Pingback” thingy and got to Beta’s blog (now I know what Beta refers to), but that must not be what you’re talking about.
One more thing. I was going to wait until this contest is over to say this, but since you brought up other contests I’ll say it now. You folks who are interested in limericks should go to the Ominficent English Dictionary in Limerick Form — OEDILF where Chris J. Strolin started a site where every English word in the dictionary will be defined in limericks. Jann, you and other should join in the project. Just google “OEDILF”.
In Y’ha-nthlei they hold a regatta
And invite girls from Coolangatta
They spike the tequilas
Of the innocent Sheilas
And eat them pan-fried in batter
(Due to a technical problem, this entry by LAWRENCE was initially eaten by my blog interface. Sorry, Lawrence.)
Near Sydney at an Esoteric Meetup,
Lovers Jimmy and Sue are all keyed up,
The “Looking Glass” reflects,
And could help them with sex,
And now Sue’s on her back with her feet up!
http://www.meetup.com/Looking-Glass
It’s good to see new faces, around here. Thanks for joining in, new folks.
Worms, ants, rats, and their underground fellows
emerge from beneath making crowds on the surface
they get annoyed as the earth is trembling
another crack another hole on another day
http://tiyolyrics.blogspot.com/2012/02/circle-of-fire.html
I keep hearing world news and it’s sucky,
For everyone from Brisbane to Truckee,
If predictions are true,
There’s still one thing to do,
Come 12-20 everyone should “get lucky.”
“We are one,” said the Master Koot Hoomi,
“Whether you coochie-coo or eschew me.”
Bemused and beguiled,
Shub-Niggurath smiled.
“Should I eat you, would you become gloomy?”
I live by a creed esoteric
Enlightened to me by a cleric.
I fight off bad karma
In consult with dharma
Widda password that’s alphanumeric.
When apocalypse comes, if it does
Can you picture the gathering buzz
Of survivors in love
Who’ve gotten rid of
Their spouses. No lawyers. Because.
I apologize, but request another revision, this one to my latest verse. In the shower today, I realized that, rather than
“Should I eat you, would you become gloomy?”
I’d prefer
“I engulfed him, but, gee, he got gloomy.”
Thank you
Whether Christian, or Buddhist, or Jew,
Our EsoTERic Science MEETup’s for you,
In Sydney, or near about,
Rudolf Steiner you’ll hear about,
Bring your sweetheart; our chairs all seat two.
http://www.meetup.com/Esoteric-Science-Meetup-Group
Rudolf Steiner was an Austrian philosopher, social reformer, architect and esotericist, see:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rudolf_Steiner
As long as we’re doing revisions, here’s the revised version of # 133.
In Sydney, at an Esoteric Meetup,
Rick was hoping Pam’s’s passions would heat up,
The “Looking Glass” reflects,
Can help people with sex,
He wanted Pam on her back with her feet up.
http://www.meetup.com/Looking-Glass
But without the extra “‘s” in the second line!
PLEASE NOTE: IF YOU INCLUDE LINKS IN YOUR ENTRY, MY SPAM FILTER WILL USUALLY BLOCK YOUR COMMENT. I go in and unblock it, but it’s extra work for everyone. Also, it sometimes blocks nasty words, but don’t worry about that, these are limericks after all.
It only seems to be a problem if I include *two* links – so I won’t do that any more.
Sorry, Mig, and thanks.
John Profumo, he went on a spree,
But Miss Keeler was something to see,
She was easy to bed,
And the boys all said,
“Can I get one just like that for me?!”
Profumo, British secretary of State for War, resigned in disgrace in 1963 after a brief affair with call girl Christine Keeler. And boys in my HS really did say things like that.
The Concordia’s captain took flight
To a place where they don’t extradite
Of his girlfriend he snapped
“She’s a pole-dancing Lapp
Not a lap-dancing Pole, get it right!”
There was a young fellow called Matt
Whose party trick sometimes fell flat
He’d make the girls squirm
By burping his worm
And catching the jizz in his hat
There’s a teacher in jail in LA,
For bad things, and locked up he should stay,
He blindfolded kids,
And then fed them his jizz,
On spoons or on cookies they say.
True story, and apparently it’s been going on for years.
Ollie North, he was sure looking smart,
When he spoke on TV of his part,
An Iran-Contra dealer,
He was quite a scene stealer,
And from ladies won many a heart.
These two go together.
Gordon Lightfoot’s great ballad is long,
For he tells the whole story in song,
Not of love, but romantic,
(Though the families were frantic),
Of how quickly things went very wrong.
And the families to this day must wonder.
If the freighter was torn all asunder,
‘Twas a very great cost,
Twenty-nine lives were lost,
When the Edmund Fitzgerald went under.
From Wikipedia: “The SS Edmund Fitzgerald was an American Great Lakes freighter that made headlines after sinking in a Lake Superior storm on November 10, 1975, with the loss of the entire crew of 29.”
It must have been faulty semantics.
I thought we’d rent one of the classics.
My ex-love, instead.
Picked Titantic in bed.
He thought he’d see plenty tit antics.
They pay pretty well at the bank
For deposits from Hankerin’ Hank.
$15 a pound
When he just comes around
Makes him $33 a yank.
That would be the sperm bank, of course.
Another typo in my haste to post. I figure you’re getting sick of me constantly posting re-writes, but the meter’s messed up and I know better. I’ll try again at the risk of getting banished from the contest.
Please allow a rewrite:
ONLINE DATING PROFILE
State your name: Peter Atticus Longindong
Name your school: University Wollongong
School of thought: Esoteric
List your job: I’m a cleric
Leisure time: Tantric sexual clawin’ thong
We know, gals, what show-gals you are,
But I still think it’s sorta bizarre
That while Annabelle’s stocks
Rose as hot Fanne Foxe,
Fannie Belle’s did as well, as Blaze Starr.
Not that their ascents were simultaneous.
Blaze Starr, nee Fannie Belle Fleming, and Gov. Earl Long of Louisiana were an item in the 1950s, after Long saw her at the Sho-Bar on Bourbon Street in New Orleans, until his death in 1960. Annabelle Batistella, aka Fanne Fox the Argentine Firecracker, made headlines in 1974 when she jumped into the Tidal Basin in Washington, DC, after a park police officer stopped the car in which she was riding with House Ways and Means Chairman Wilbur Mills of Arkansas.
Long, despite a stay in a local loony bin, remained governor. Mills resigned his chairmanship, but was reelected to Congress.
Very impressed by how #156 subtly combines showgirls, political scandal, sperm donation and marine catastrophes in 5 short lines.
Not to mention that slick internal rhyme, or the interesting similarities in the women’s names. It’s almost like that Lincoln/Kennedy parallel urban legend thing. (see snopes: http://www.snopes.com/history/american/lincoln-kennedy.asp) (hey if everyone else is going to include links I will too)
There is something, seems almost psychotic,
About men with their dancers exotic,
They risk their good name,
Can lose all they have gained,
In their thirst for sensations erotic.
Newt Gingrich and his fans all agree,
No cheating on wife number three,
Some Republicans say,
They are hoping he’ll stray,
So he won’t be the new nominee!
Rewrite:
They pay pretty well at the bank
For deposits from Hankerin’ Hank.
$15 a pound
When he just comes around
Makes him almost two fifty a yank.
“Some magazines to help your libido,”
Were the words that were said to Candido,
Wanting no observation.
Of the bank visitation,
His donation was made incognito.
This is funny: http://www.thesmokingjacket.com/entertainment/lab-rat-visits-the-sperm-bank
Now that the topic includes strippers, repost with slight change
Dripping wet at the pool stood sweet Jeanie.
Pete assessed her physique and bikini.
“I don’t mean to impose,
Wanna strip those soaked clothes
And slip into a tall, dry martini?”
Here’s a tale about Anthony Weiner
(Close your eyes if you loathe bad demeanor),
Cuz with Favre, you know Brett,
He has formed a duet –
Two twits who each twittered their weiner.
Learian ending.
I’m nothing if not mistake prone. That should be tweet, not twitter.
Here’s a tale about Anthony Weiner,
Close your eyes if you loathe bad demeanor,
Cuz with Favre (you know, Bret)
He has formed a duet
Of two fools who each tweeted their weiner.
Drat! Messed up again. This is the way I really want it –>
Here’s a tale about Anthony Weiner,
Close your eyes if you loathe bad demeanor),
Cuz with Favre, you know Brett,
He has formed a duet –
Two twits who each tweeted their weiner.
A devious flight attendant named Marion
Smuggled pets for a handsome veterinarian
They caused such commotion
The plane crashed into the ocean
And now sea creatures are collecting her carrion
A good sample should be white to gray,
And opaque, at least that’s what they say,
All this did Mike learn,
When he donated sperm,
And found out that there’s not any pay!
http://www.thesmokingjacket.com/entertainment/lab-rat-visits-the-sperm-bank
With Lewinsky, Bill does what he does,
But he lies about just what it was,
They impeach him for that,
But the trial falls flat,
He gets off and the whole world’s abuzz!
Why, thank you, sir! A contemporary account of the Mills-Batistella matter included the immortal lines
She was only a stripper from the Silver Slipper
But she had her ways and means.
Going back to the very early CE,
Said Sally, an early ecdysiast,
“Oh, Harry, John B. says a sleazy past
Is the present for you
And my ma. It ain’t true,
So just hand me his head, and he’s greasy-assed.”
Salome couldn’t say “his ass is grass” because English hadn’t yet been invented.
This one’s just for fun. If you wonder why, look at 71 and 72.
Some advice to fit for all the sweet Jeanies,
Don’t strip. Don’t drink any martinis.
Don’t go off with a Peter,
Or a rhyming name either,
And for God’s sake, don’t touch any weenies.
Another just for fun.
To Jeanie: Don’t listen to Jann
Cuz Pete is your number one fan.
Says Jann: Bad demeanor
Watch out for his weiner
Where there’s fire there’s a hot frying pan.
Pretty weak, Jann. But I only had 5 minutes.
Well, I’ll just let Jann speak for herself if she’s so inclined.
Not bad, for five minutes, Jeter. But, once warned, the Jeanies are on their own. Now back to those shipwrecks.
Suzanne liked to daydream with pleasure,
Of finding a wrecked ship with treasure,
Counting pieces of eight,
With her beau would be great,
As would being a lady of leisure.
Now strippers can get tickets too,
It depends upon just what they do,
A cop undercover,
Was quick to discover,
That Sue showed too much of her woo.
Happened to someone I know.
Left to drift through the blood-thickened water,
Severed torsos and heads from the slaughter,
Desquamation and thirst
Was all part of our worst
Naval loss. Pray for each son and daughter.
This from http://www.ussindianapolis.org/:
“At 12:14 a.m. on July 30, 1945, the USS Indianapolis was torpedoed by a Japanese submarine in the Philippine Sea and sank in 12 minutes. Of 1,196 men on board, approximately 300 went down with the ship. The remainder, about 900 men, were left floating in shark-infested waters with no lifeboats and most with no food or water. The ship was never missed, and by the time the survivors were spotted by accident four days later only 316 men were still alive.”
It has been called the worst Naval disaster in U.S. History. The ship had just delivered the enriched uranium used in the atomic bombs dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Because their mission was secret, it took nearly 4 days before the disaster was discovered. The shark attacks left severed bodies bobbing in the water. Of the 300 survivors, one lived out the rest of his life in my small hometown of 6,000 people. Unlike 900 of his compatriots, he received Valentine’s Day cards from his daughter.
Tom’s buds wanted him to be hipper,
They arranged for a date with a stripper,
By nature quite pure,
Tommy said he was sure,
That he’d rather observe the Big Dipper.
This described my father.
A divorce on St. Valentine’s Day
Kicked him out, sent him drifting away.
He set sail through the blues,
He found strippers and booze.
Here we’ll find ‘im – morality play.
AS I said before, I’m very mistake-prone. Line 4 of #177 should start “Were” not “Was”.
I believe that should be line 4 of #176. But you know, Jeter, I like the limerick and I didn’t even notice that!
Weird. It shows as #177 on my screen. Thanks.
How is that possible?
This is #177
Jann wrote:
Tom’s buds wanted him to be hipper,
They arranged for a date with a stripper,
By nature quite pure,
Tommy said he was sure,
That he’d rather observe the Big Dipper.
This described my father.
Friday, February 10, 2012 at 10:18 pm | Permalink
On my screen the one you just posted is #184. This one will become 185. I don’t know how it’s possible. Every time someone here refers to a previous lim the numbering is off by one on my screen. I’m too inept at computers to even have a clue what’s going on. I’m the guy who limmed that Congressman Weiner and Brett Favre twittered obscene pictures. Then I changed it to tweeted. I realize now that they “texted” or “sexted” instead. I’m apparently the only one in the world wide web who can screw up the numbering, too. I’m outta my league.
it’s a parallel universe thing. that happens a lot on this blog.
Sounds very esoteric.
Seems Mark for a time lost his head,
Took an Argentine beauty to bed,
He told his detail,
He was hiking a trail,
And forgot for a week he was wed.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mark_Sanford_disappearance_and_extramarital_affair
Coincidentally, I wrote an opera about that: http://www.metamorphosism.com/?p=3016
Yes, Mig, I remembered the opera and the associated comments; and that’s what caused me to think of this topic for a limerick ;-)
The upside and downside of stripping.
Some girls are enticed into stripping,
And impressed by some generous tipping,
At one grand a day,
They’re encouraged to stay,
Earn their pay as they watch men unzipping.
These girls dance for money and thrills,
And the brief self esteem it instills,
But for most it’s a jinx,
As a lifestyle it stinks,
Somehow love and good friendships it kills.
Bill Clinton’s career was a mess
After Monica made him confess
To amusing himself
By abusing himself
And then blowing his muck on her dress
The Costa Concordia’s cap’n
Let his girlfriend drive while he went crappin’
“Can you steer for a bit
While I go for a shit,
Ah go on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
Nurse, here’s a bit of advice:
While Playboy and Penthouse are nice,
In these days of computers
Mere pictures of hooters
In old magazines won’t suffice.
Prince Albert was brought to euphoria
By the sight of his lovely Victoria
And when he felt the need
To donate his seed
She went down like the Andrea Doria.
Rush Limbaugh’s fourth wedding drew near.
In a liberal show of good cheer,
He shelled out a million
And rocked crocodilian —
A choice that his listeners thought queer.
In 2010, Rush Limbaugh, the most popular radio talk show entertainer in the United States, reportedly paid one million dollars to Sir Elton John, a popular English musician, to perform at the wedding reception for Limbaugh’s fourth marriage. Many of Limbaugh’s detractors thought this to be the height of hypocrisy seeing as how he frequently spoke out on his radio program against same-sex marriage, and Elton John was openly married to his same-sex husband.
“The Arnold”, who was gov of CA,
(Though it now seems we should have kept Gray),
Of his children, there’s one,
Who’s the housekeeper’s son,
Boffed his maid, and that none can gainsay.
Father, I’ve sinned. I confess.
My secret has caused great distress.
My tryst with a nun
Started out as great fun
Till she left me for you! … I digress.
Schnitzi may have saved his/her best for last. Good stuff, good stuff.
St. Valentine’s Day’s coming soon.
It’s a choc’late and rose-sellers’ boon.
Will your loved one come through
And make festive ado?
Or just buy you a five-buck balloon?
When I first saw the stripper Sweet Sue
She was leaving a bobbing canoe/
A free sight for sore eyes,
Because more than just thighs
Were exposed as her skirt flew askew.
“Where’s my pa?” the Republicans yell.
Thinking Cleveland’s campaign to dispell.
Was it really his sperm?
But, with never a squirm,
“Tell the truth,” Grover said. And did well.
The 1884 presidential campaign pitted Cleveland, a Democrat, and Republican James Blain. The Democratic rallying cry was “Blaine, Blaine, James G. Blaine, the continental liar from the state of Maine.” His denials of corruption were weakened by the discovery of correspondence, including some so inflammatory that he’d included the instruction, “Burn this letter.”
Republicans, having discovered that Cleveland had fathered a child out of wedlock, responded with “Ma, Ma, where’s my Pa?” Cleveland’s advice to his staff was the three words quoted in the verse. In truth, the woman in question, apparently wasn’t sure. She collected child support from Cleveland in 1874, but named her son Oscar Folsom Cleveland — the first two names being those of Cleveland’s (married) law partner at the time of conception.
Cleveland was elected, and the Dems chanted, “Ma, Ma, where’s my Pa? Gone to the White Hous. Ha! Ha! Ha!”
Aargh. Tense confusion. So last sentence of Grover should be
“Tell the truth,” Grover says. And does well.
St. Valentine’s Day can be risky
Cuz the men folk do tend to be frisky.
And watch out for the pious:
They sure like to try us
Before and yes after their whiskey.
What time zone is the contest deadline based on? I ask because I posted just after 11 PM Feb. 13th (Eastern Time) But my post is time-stamped 12:05 A.M. Feb. 14th.
The deadline is flexible, based usually on when I wake up on Valentine’s Day. I’m awake now, it’s 5.33 am right now. Thanks for your entries, everyone. The contest is now closed. Judge A.C. Teathorn is adjudicating the entries right now, I’ll announce the winners in a few hours. Happy Valentine’s Day!
Here are the results of the 2012 metamorphosism.com International Valentine’s Day Limerick Contest. First of all, my thanks to everyone who entered; the quality of entries was very high this year. Thanks also go to A.C. Teathorn who once again took on the task of judging the contest despite lingering seasickness from a whale-watching trip to the Azores.
Without further ado, here are the results:
1st place – Perry
2nd place – Schnitzi
3rd place – Jeter Coffee
Honorable mentions: Jann, once again the most prolific entrant, and Janet, for one particularly brilliant entry.
First and second-place winners, please contact me at metamorphosist@gmail.com, I need your mailing addresses to send you your prizes. My apologies to third-place winner Jeter Coffee, but we only have two prizes this year.
Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone, and thanks for another fun contest.
Once again a great contest – congrats to the winners, and Perry and Schnitzi enjoy your prizes. One more thing; Bran’s logo is very nice.
Mig, you didn’t say which were the winning poems!
Because of the complicated and secretive judging process, there are only winning poets, not individual poems. Besides quality of entries, the system also awards points for early entry, tenacity, quantity and of course theme. Here is an excerpt from A.C. Teathorn’s mail to me:
“Perry 18 points
Schnitzi 10 points
Jeter Coffee 9 points
honorable mentions to Jann and Janet”
Entries Teathorn seemed to like are as follows:
#147 Perry wrote:
The Concordia’s captain took flight
To a place where they don’t extradite
Of his girlfriend he snapped
“She’s a pole-dancing Lapp
Not a lap-dancing Pole, get it right!”
#156 Janet McConnaughey wrote:
We know, gals, what show-gals you are,
But I still think it’s sorta bizarre
That while Annabelle’s stocks
Rose as hot Fanne Foxe,
Fannie Belle’s did as well, as Blaze Starr.
#29 schnitzi wrote:
The hole in ozone of course is
Depleted by CFC sources
Though none seem aghast
It’s sufficiently vast
For four men to ride through on horses
(and others that seemed neat)
#31 Perry wrote:
Numerologists tell me it’s near
That we won’t last much more than this year
I don’t care where I go
But this much I know
Armageddon the fuck out of here
#44 schnitzi wrote:
It boggles my cerebral cortex
That they’re still making things out of Gortex
The way that it’s made
It won’t ever degrade
And ends up in the Pacific Trash Vortex.
#88 Jeter Coffee wrote:
In the book the Apocalypse came,
And it’s true, it’s a zero sum game.
Cuz the death of romance
Didn’t slow the advance
Down The Road to full Pulitzer fame.
Personally, I could not pick a favorite, although I enjoyed #118 by Janet because she uses the word “squamous”:
“Partly rugose and utterly squamous,
It attacked as I donned my pajamous.
With a Tonga death grip
It made my heart flip
And we’ll honeymoon in the Bahamous.”
Congratulations to Perry and Schnitzi. It was a fun contest. Jann had some good ones, not the least of which was the very first depraved/behaved entry. The lap-dancing Pole and the four horsemen were especially clever. It’s a shame Madeline Kane started so late. She’s good at this craft. If she had more in the hopper she would have had a better chance. Congrats to all!
Let me take this opportunity to again invite all you poets to join the fun at the Omnificent Dictionary in Limerick Form (google “OEDILF”) where you can hone your limerick skills with the best limericists in the English-speaking world. As proof let me just point out that Janet is an OEDILFer.
Congrats, Perry, Schnitzi, Jeter and Jann!
I’ll second Jeter’s invitation to OEDILF, where each limerick is a valentine to a word.
And huge thanks to MIG, for inviting us into his den, and to Judge Teathorn.
I never participate (oh wait; last year I did. Kinda,)but I always watch the contest unfold. It’s always a treat. This year was particularly fun with all the new entrants, who I hope will return next year. Thanks for another entertaining VDAY contest, all!
Thank you, Jeter, for the kind words, especially appreciated because apparently Mig and Teathorn didn’t like any of my limericks; my honorable mention was only for writing a lot of them.
Woo hoo, congrats Perry. Your “what’s the worst that could happen?” entry was my favorite of the contest.
And given that the topics included sperm donation and maritime disasters, the fact that not a single entry uses the word “seamen” means we all deserve a pat on the back.
Jann, no doubt you got game. You’re a two, or is it three, time winner! It’s all for fun and it’s all subjective. But I gotta say there were some brilliant limericks in this contest. My personal favorite may have been the Prince Albert/lovely Victoria one by Schnitzi. The gortex/vortex was terrific, too, but I couldn’t make line 5 scan. And how can we compete with the brilliance of the lap-dancing Pole? Really good stuff.
Jeter, I have no problem with getting honorable mention; I too loved Schnitzi’s #29, and #44, also Perry’s #147, and your #88. I think they were more clever than mine. However, they did not all follow the rules, i.e., the theme was supposed to be love/sex. It is harder to write a good limerick when you have to fit two things in, Saying that my honorable mention was for being prolific is an insult. There is nothing praiseworthy about being prolific. When asked to name some of the best limericks, Mig managed to give examples from everyone except me, a deliberate exclusion, and don’t think it wasn’t.
(The only limerick I singled out was Janet’s “squamous” entry. The rest were mentioned by A.C. Teathorn, who is a real person, and not me. – Mig)
Jann, I’m sorry to see you felt slighted. I hope it doesn’t keep you from coming back. The contest would not be half as fun if you weren’t in it. I didn’t see prolific as an insult – I thought Mig & the good judge were giving a nod to the obvious truth that when it comes to writing Valentine’s Day limericks, you’ve got everyone beat, hands down. I don’t know how you manage to pen so many each year.
One thing I really admired about you, Jann, was that you kept posting limericks after the rule changes without skipping a beat. Those arbitrary rule changes are no big thing to you, though I think if it was me, I’d feel instantly deflated to see my previous entries count for nothing. So, kudos to you, and to everyone who keeps on posting even after the powers that be exert their god-like, and totally unfair powers for the sheer amusement of it.
And in the end, this is a contest for fun & frolics – I would hate to see anyone walk away feeling abused or unappreciated. This was another great year for limericks. I hope to see everyone again next year, as well as Madeleine, who might have joined too late for this year’s judging.
Thank you, Bran. You’re very kind. And your lovely logo added a very nice touch to the contest this year.
While I was initially confused by the arbitrary rule changes, when I realized what was going on it made the whole thing more fun. The problem I see with the rules is that they really aren’t clear. Are all Valentine/chimera poems judged only against one another or are they thrown in the hopper and judged against all 150+ entries? Are apocalypse poems judged against one another only? Clearly mig liked seeing all elements combined into one lim, but it’s also clear that the judge favored “zing,” punchline, wordplay and cleverness over strict adherence to the rules. “Armaggedon the f out of here” was a great pun but the only connection to sex/romance/Valentines was the gratuitous addition of the f bomb, which was enough to qualify under the rules. It’s such a good lim it’s hard to hold it strictly to the rules when the rules are deliberately capricious for the sake of fun and challenge. I’d like to come back next year and I hope you will too. I hope to recruit some more really talented folks from the OEDILF next year. It’s a fun contest, but I think it would benefit from clearer rules. Mig, thanks for hosting the party. As you continue to attract more and more talent maybe a clearer statement of the rules would help. Dunno. I do know I enjoyed reading all the lims from winners and non-winners alike.
Judge Teathorn made a similar observation. This contest started small, and the confusing rules were not a problem then. Future contests will have more explicit rules, and it will be made clear that arbitrary changes are part of the deal. For the record, all entries are judged against all other entries. Rule changes do not result in earlier entries being removed from competition.
Thanks for the explanation. So the first set of rules gave extra credit for combining love with chimeras or knots or whatever. The second set of rules gave extra credit for combining love with other elements (the apolcalypse or other elements, for example — I may not have the sequence down right). Say there was a third shift of rules to add new elements. Okay, I understand that all entries are judged together. What I was wondering is this: does the judge pick the three best submissions under the first set of rules and judge them against the best three under the second and third set of rules? Does an entrant have a better chance only submitting the ones s/he thinks are the best, or should s/he send in everything even if s/he thinks it’s substandard? I know I sent in some stuff that was junk and maybe even worse for a judge I sent in junk that was rewritten into improved junk and rewritten a second time into passable junk (or maybe from bad to worse instead of slightly improving each time). At the time I was just having fun not too concerned about my carelessness. Looking back I would hate to be a judge who has to sift through 3 versions of the same junk. I think you should have a rule saying no revisions to protect against people like me. If I participate next year I’ll be more careful and considerate of the judge/moderator/sponsor.
I did not find the rules hard to understand, but that’s probably because I’m used to these rule changes. However, the judge seemed either unaware of the main rule, that the limericks were thematically to include love, sex, attraction/obsession or else determined to ignore it.
I personally felt very constrained by having to make each limerick about love/sex, as I said in #45. Last year’s contest, where we didn’t have to do that was about 100 times more fun and allowed for much better limericks. Mig should have been smart enough not to tell us which entries the judge favored, as some or them made no attempt to follow this rule.
One more thing: this is Mig’s contest, Mig’s rules. Mig is the person best qualified to judge whether the entries followed the rules. Mig should judge the contest himself. Not to do so is a total copout. This I believe very strongly. Next year, Mig, don’t be a copout!
Maybe I didn’t read them all carefully enough, Jann, but I respectfully disagree that last year’s entries were better than this year. You, Janet, Schnitzi and Perry all submitted top notch, entertaining stuff. As did others.
Also, I wanted to highlight a couple more from this year that I thought were good. Jason Talbott had a really funny one in #85. It was the only one that literally made me laugh out loud. Maybe he and I have the same warped sense of humor. And Ruchiccio had some really clever wordplay with United/Untied in #78. There were a bunch of good ones. I sure wouldn’t want to be the judge. I don’t fault the sponsor at all for finding an impartial judge. She may not agree to do it again, though, if we gripe too much about the outcome/process. MIG, please don’t think we’re ungrateful. I would have enjoyed just the same regardless of the declared “winners.” I got to read some clever stuff produced by some damn smart and creative folks. Thanks for putting it out there.
You’re right, it’s mig’s contest. So I apologize if this post sounds presumptuous. Maybe next year the rules can say the theme is a, b, c, & d and you get extra points for combining more than one topic in a limerick, i.e. you can write about any of the four but get more credit for combining 2, 3 or 4 together. Then when the arbitrary rule changes kick in you can write about e, f, g or h. Again, combinations get extra points. Maybe that’s the way it was done before, dunno. Regardless, the 2012 rules didn’t say it was impossible to win without extra points, it just said it’s ALMOST impossible.
Actually, Jeter, you’re wrong. The rules said (I made copies of the rules)and this is copied and pasted: “• Extra points: (Be sure and read this rule) (NOTE CHANGES on 26 January 2012) Entries are customarily quite good so you will need extra points to win.” Mig subsequently took this sentence out, which I noted in my comment #99:
Jann wrote:
But then I just noticed that the sentence, “Entries are customarily quite good so you will need extra points to win.”, no longer appears in the rules. That should be great for some people!!!
Wednesday, February 1, 2012 at 10:16 pm | Permalink
Mig at some point added back in an altered version of that rule: “Extra points: (Be sure and read this rule; it is practically impossible to win without extra credit)”
No wonder some people were very confused!
It sounds like the contest, and the need for better rules definition, is going through growing pains. MIG says he’ll tighten up the rules next year. With more clarity contestants and judges alike will make a fun contest even more fun. Life is good.
Life is good. I’ll drink to that!
Congrats all! Schnitzi– I particularly loved Albert and Victoria– very romantic.
I gotta ask. Was the gordian knot pun in this one even noticeable?
Gordy thought Suzie was hot.
He lusted her her quite a lot.
When at last they entangled
He felt fireworks — star-spangled!
But for her, just a “Gordy, um, not.”
Absolutely. Great. Excellent wordplay in general this year.
Yes, Jeter, I had to google and as a result I learned what a Gordian Knot is: very good!
Okay. Thanks for letting me know. I was afraid it was too obscure. I’m kind of notorious for missing puns when I read the work of others so I’ve been trying to develop an eye for them by writing my own. The truth is I probably wouldn’t have made the connection reading this if I hadn’t written it.
Which reminds me, I really liked Patti’s #10 where the married couple tried to tie the knot and only got half-hitched. Congrats to you, Patti! Yours, too, was a candidate for best lim in my mind. Now that’s good wordplay.
Re: “(The only limerick I singled out was Janet’s “squamous” entry. The rest were mentioned by A.C. Teathorn, who is a real person, and not me. – Mig)”
Yes, Mig, but it’s still true that you made sure that I was excluded. And three of the six that Teathorn liked, i.e., #’s 29, 44, and 31, had ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with love,sex, attraction/obsession which was/were supposed to be the theme of all the limericks. Maybe next year the judge will read the rules.
But when all said and done, it was a lot of fun:
It was really a helluva party,
There were Peter and Jeter and Marty,
And Sir Walter Scott,
Who stirred up the pot,
Spoke of coffee and seemed very hearty.
You make a good point about 3 of 6 lims singled out not complying with the rules. It’s also disturbing to find out that rules were changed “arbitrarily” to favor Perry’s excellent winner. Here’s an exchange between Perry and the contest sponsor.
Re: Metamorphosism International Valentine’s Limerick Contest v.2012
——————————————————————————–
The Concordia’s captain took flight
To a place where they don’t extradite
Of his girlfriend he snapped
“She’s a pole-dancing Lapp
Not a lap-dancing Pole, get it right!”
__________________
I wear the cheese. The cheese does not wear me.
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#17 02-03-2012, 03:37 PM
metamorphosist
Dz, dz, dz. Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Vienna, Austria
Posts: 205
Re: Metamorphosism International Valentine’s Limerick Contest v.2012
——————————————————————————–
Excellent work, this makes me want to change the rules again to require mention of maritime catastrophes.
Don’t think I’ll participate next year. But I love your parting lim, Jann.
Jann, my last cut and paste post didn’t make much sense. Let me try again. But before I do, I’ll repeat two things. One, I loved your last lim. Two, I won’t be back. The contest looks less and less “arbitrary”. I looks friends helping friends and outsiders being left outside. Check out the thread of conversation in this link:
http://www.bookshedforum.com/showthread.php?t=5185&page=2
I don’t see how Jann is an outsider, left outside – she’s won at least two contests previously, and Jeter, you placed third this year, right?
The arbitrary rules always were and always will be Mig’s whims. There is no changing his mind once he gets an idea in it. He’s a strange and wonderfully chaotic man.
The rules of the contest state that rule changes will be arbitrary and unfair. Of course, by stating this in advance, it ensures that the contest rules are neither arbitrary nor unfair. It’s not arbitrary if it’s preannounced, and it’s not unfair if fair warning is given. And the judging was performed by a person uninvolved in the contest, not by the person making the rules. All entries were judged on the basis of their poetic quality and their humor. It is important to stress here that Perry won this year fair and square, because he wrote the best limericks, and not for any other reason.
This “contest”, as implied in the original post announcing it, is a collaborative artistic project. Perhaps offering material prizes was a mistake. Maybe not. I see the contest the way a god might see a 12 year old boy riding his Stingray bicycle down a sidewalk in the 1970s, wondering what the kid is thinking, and who does he like better, bookish, serious elder sister Marcia Brady or the awkward, absent-minded yet hotter middle sister Jan Brady, who will possibly grow up to have a tawdry affair with the neighbor while her civil engineer husband is away on a business trip one winter, drinking eggnog in the back yard, if God ever makes up his mind; or a man in his thirties trying to assemble a package of furniture parts produced in the Ukraine without a proper instructional diagram; or a man in his fifties trimming his beard with a new beard trimmer and cutting it shorter and shorter because he got distracted and shaved off half the right side of his moustache and then shaved off half the left side to make it match, only to discover that made it look like a Hitler moustache so trimming off the middle part to make it look better, which required cutting the rest shorter as well.
Perry’s limericks were brilliant. Nobody denies that.
Instead of waxing (and waning) philosophical about how you are a god looking down on us 10 year olds riding our bicycles, maybe you could directly address the issues Jann and I raised. One, the no fewer than 50% of the limericks highlighted by the judge didn’t comply with the rules. Two, you deliberatedly changed the rules to make an otherwise ineligible limerick eligible. None of us care about winning material prizes (some weird-ass book that nobody’s ever heard of?), we care about being duped into thinking this was a legitimate “contest” where our fun would be judged according to announced rules. Jann is right. She assiduously, meticulously followed your rules only to be edged out by entries which ignored the rules. If you think that’s “fair and square” then you are a “strange and wonderfully chaotic man.”
If you’ll excuse me now, I have to trim my mustache and assemble some Ukrainian furniture. If only God weren’t so busy ignoring His people maybe You could help.
And now that your idiotic diatribe has raised our consciousness and has us feeling dispassionate, contemplative and rational let me tell you that you DO NOT HAVE MY CONSENT TO PUBLISH ANYTHING I SUBMITTED IN ANY BOOK YOU DECIDE TO PUBLISH. I don’t want anything I’ve written to benefit you or your favorite charity. I have my own favorite charitable organizations, thank you.
But, that’s just it, Jeter. This was never a “legitimate contest.” Look around you – you’re at a weblog. You’re complaining about rule changes when the one guiding rule of this contest is that the rules will change for no given reason. You have no case. As for ‘some book nobody’s heard of,’ you’re showing your ignorance about just what is going on, here. That book nobody’s heard of was written by Mig, and has been talked about frequently on Mig’s blog. This is a BLOG. It’s not some corporation sponsoring a literary challenge for your edification. You keep referring to Mig as the ‘sponsor,’ which is interesting, because no one is sponsoring anything. From its inception in the early ‘aughts, this contest has been nothing more than a giant collaborative art project by the readers of Mig’s blog. I notice Jann is no longer engaging in this discussion, so I apologize to her for bringing her into it, again, but I’d like to point to Jann as a long-time reader of the blog. Her criticisms of the contest this year seemed out of character for her, and incongruous with her history as a member of the ‘Metamorphosism’ community. Though it was great to see new entrants, like you, Jeter, it’s a shame you viewed the contest as a means to greater literary fame for yourself, and not as a way to jump into a loose confederation of weirdos hanging out in the comments sections.
On another note, the invitation to join the loose confederation of commenting weirdos is still wide open, in my view. Though this isn’t my blog, I have been webmaster/admin of it since 2000….something, and feel invested in it as one of the last surviving blogs from the early blog heyday. This is like internet home to me. I hope Mig doesn’t mind, but I invite each of the limericists of this year to remain in the community of Metamorphosism, despite issues over the contest or any other opposing reason. I like you, Jeter, and hope you’ll stay. I imagine you’d have interesting comments to contribute to the on-going surreality.
I have a bit more to say. For as long as I can remember, that is, from the time I was about two years old, I have cared about fairness more than about winning. I believe that any contest or game should be fair for all participants; I like a level playing field. If I won a contest that I didn’t think was fair for everybody, I would not be happy about it. I like honesty and openness, and I abhor deceit, dishonesty, subterfuge, as well as behind the scenes manipulation. People should do what they say they will do. The winners of a contest are supposed to have followed the rules. If people can’t be kind, they should stay home. The idea that Jeter (or anybody) would enter this contest “as a means to greater literary fame” seems laughable to me. This contest is about fun and writing and reading some good limericks. When somebody wins a prize, that person should actually receive stated prize, and without any “back room razzle-dazzle”, nor other excuses. In the past when I, on occasion, felt that the contest did not meet the high expectations I had for it, I either kept quiet, or conveyed my concerns privately to Mig. This year I felt that I could not keep quiet.
Re: “But, that’s just it, Jeter. This was never a “legitimate contest.” Look around you – you’re at a weblog. You’re complaining about rule changes when the one guiding rule of this contest is that the rules will change for no given reason.”
Bran, I have absolutely no idea what this is supposed to mean, and you probably shouldn’t have said it. This contest has always been presented as being legitimate, and I don’t see what rule changes or the fact that this is a weblog have to do with it. And Jeter was complaining about one particular rule change, which seems to have been made for the purpose of getting an already written limerick into the contest, one that, but for the rule change, wouldn’t have qualified for extra points. So I think he has a case. And Jeter mentioned one book, not two, so perhaps it was yours that he hadn’t heard of, as had I not, though I’m sure I would find it interesting. But I am quite sure that people don’t enter this contest for the material prizes.
I, of course, spoke out of anger and apologize for my offensive comments about unknown book titles. They may be splendid books.
MIG certainly has the right to set whatever rules he wants. It’s his “contest” legitimate or otherwise. If you remember I initially took mig’s side when Jann expressed her displeasure about being slighted. She was right from the beginning that the judge didn’t apply the annnounced rules, but I spoke in support of mig and, like you, encouraged her to come back next time. But when she pointed out that 3 out of 6 judges favorites ignored the rules and when I discovered that mig adjusted the rules as a secret favor to a friend, I decided that this wasn’t the kind of “contest” I wanted to participate in anymore. I said so and gave my reason.
And now to the source of my flash of anger. MIG then gets on the line to compare himself to a god looking down on us 10 year olds. Cripes, Bran, I helped recruit the new limerick writers, I genuinely complimented the authors of many really good limericks, I thanked mig for putting on the contest, and I suggested he state the rules more clearly next time. He seemed to agree. Now we’re to believe the rules never meant anything from the beginning and any idiot should have known that by, hmmm, by reading the rules. Okay. I get it now. This is a meaningless exercise in collaborative art. I enjoyed being part of it, but I have no interest in being a part of it anymore. If I had known the contest rules were non-rules and the contest was a non-contest, and if I had known I could privately send a limerick to mig to get him to mold the rules around my private submission, and had I known mig would declare a fair and square outcome to a non-contest in the face of Jann’s slight, well, I wouldn’t have joined in the “fun”.
Listen, perry and schnitzi and Janet and Jason and Patti and Jann and a bunch of other folks wrote some very enteraining and fun limericks. I enjoyed it. I enjoyed writing them, too. I think I wrote some good ones. I don’t think mine were better than Perry’s, schnitzi’s, Janet’s or Jann’s, but I was pleased with some of them. But if you really think any of us were hoping for literary fame, you have an inflated concept of this blog. I just wanted a fair contest and it’s obvious this one wasn’t a normal contest. It was a collaborative art project. It was a non-contest. That’s great, but it’s not what was advertised and it’s not something I’m interest in.
So, while I initially took mig’s side, I’m now 100% in Jann’s camp and I apologize to Jann for downplaying her complaints. And, Jann, the OEDILF has limerick contests periodically that are true contests. Fair and square. You’re good at this game. I renew my invitation to you to join the fun there. And it would be great to see perry and schnitzi there, too. And if mig’s contest is your cup of tea, please stick with it.
Thanks, Jeter, for the vote of confidence. Having you in the contest definitely made it more fun. I was looking at OEDILF today; it looks pretty interesting…
One might guess that the fans would be curious,
When they heard that Mig’s contest was spurious,
It was never legit!
And how did that sit?
Some were ho-hum but others were furious.
LIMERICK LOVERS ALERT!!
I just came across another limerick contest that some of you writers may be interested in. The deadline is March 1st. I can’t see that there is a set theme, though the contest is in celebration of St. Patrick’s Day. Perry. Schnitzi. Jann. Janet. Jason. Ruchiccio. Patti. Joeri. Lawrence. Lisa. MIG. Bran. Calling all writers! The contest winner could very well be in this group!! Here’s the link:
http://www.sonomavalley.com/index.php/component/option,com_events/Itemid,251/agid,3928/day,14/month,02/task,view_detail/year,2012/
Good luck!
Here’s more information:
http://www.larsonfamilywinery.com/pages/specialevents.html
More information about the contest (and incentive to you California writers who enjoy wine:
Limerick Contest Prizes:
21 + category: 1 free wine club membership for a year
Teenagers, young adult category (13-20): $100.00 i-tune gift certificate
Kids, 12 and under category: $100.00 Toys R Us gift certificate
Thanks for the info, Jeter. Sounds like a fun contest. (I wish I knew more about wine). But luckily, we can google!
Here was a winning one from another wine contest (though I can’t see what it has to do with wine):
I once knew a fellow named Sweeney
Who spilled some gin onto his weenie.
Then just to be couth
He added vermouth
And slipped his young lass a martini.
—Faith Love, Chesterfield, VA
More info about the contest:
http://www.larsonfamilywinery.com/media/LarsonLimerickEntryForm.pdf
UNLEGITIMIZEDLY speaking on behalf of the loose confederation of commenting weirdos,
beta,
REAFFIRMING that this contest was in the past (and kind of starting to hope that in the future it will not be) open for everyone,
RECALLING that entrants gave up their publishing rights by entering and thereby agreeing to the rules,
CONDEMNING the very personal targeting of Mig Living and related personas,
RECOGNIZING the very important role the somewhat elusive concept of “getting the joke” (or, in fact, at least trying to grasp a thread of the many jokes involved, instead of blatantly ignoring them and stomping on their fragile über-ichs) plays,
CONSIDERING the creative quality playful banter can generate,
1. HARSHLY CONDEMNS the tone this discussion has taken on, and
2. ASKS, without looking at anyone in particular, all those who can’t participate without including hurtful, ridiculously accusatory, and spiteful comments in their replies to
a. go get a life, and
b. please take it to the wine contest for under 12-year-olds.
Thank you.
PS: Learn to FUCKING read. Especially if you’re going to pretend to be a stickler for the rules.
There is an old expression: “Least said, soonest mended.” There is a lot of truth to this. I think there has already been plenty said here, and I admit that I have been partly (but only partly) responsible for prolonging the discussion. I can see nothing to be gained by further prolongation, belaboring of points already made, using vulgarity, nor calling (some of) us twelve year olds. Nothing at all. It’s really very simple; there was a contest held. Some people were not completely happy with some aspects of the contest.
There was an airing of views. People disagree, and are, at times, unhappy with each other. This is the human condition. Restating one’s viewpoints in ever stronger language or bringing up new issues will not help. Please, can this be over now? There are no winners here, only a bunch of not very happy people who would be happier if this were over.
If anybody feels that I have insulted him/her, or have been rude or nasty, I apologize. That was never my intent.
not calling anyone a 12-year-old. just saying, the wine contest is open to them. sounds very legitimate to me. as I said, learn to read or don’t bother. please. also, there was a winner, i just wasn’t you for once. bummer.
Announcing the post-metamorphosism.com limerick contest comment contest.
I just kissed a chicken, it had five fingers.
“Dreaming in my Maidenform bra.
“Dreamed I danced the Cha-Cha-Cha.”
Cracklin’ ho-hos on the fire!
Better living through chemistry?
Here’s another interesting limerick contest for anyone who may be interested (Jann?). In this one you have to write a limerick that tells the story of a Saturday Evening Post illustration.
http://www.saturdayeveningpost.com/limerick-contest
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[...] Beta’s honor, I have changed the rules to this year’s limerick contest to require Australian place names, among other things. This was written by mig. Posted on [...]
[...] And here they are. If you would like to comment, please do so in the original contest thread. This was written by mig. Posted on Tuesday, February 14, 2012, at 3:54 am. Filed under Das Gehirn, ferner liefen, Metamorphosism. Tagged 2012 limerick contest winners. Bookmark the permalink. Follow comments here with the RSS feed. Post a comment or leave a trackback. [...]
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