Faster than the lawyers

Two physeter macrocephalus walk into a bar.
PM1: Oh god. [Lowers broad forehead to cool surface of bar, which has a soothing effect for about one second until his body heat warms it up.] Oh god, ohgodohgodohgodohgodohgod.
PM2: Don’t look to me for sympathy.
PM1: Just harpoon me now. God.
PM2: It’s the same story every time you eat running sushi. You’re an adult. You have to know this by now.
PM1: I just can’t resist the colossal squid.
PM2: You must have eaten your body weight’s worth of them. The chef was staring.
PM1: If I could move I’d beach myself.
PM2: They say colossal squid make up 70% of our stomach contents, normally.
PM1: [groans]
PM2: In your case it’s more like 170%. You had a plate of gyoza too, right?
PM1: I’m warning you, change the subject now.
PM2: They must be packed in there tighter than the spermaceti in your skull.
PM1: [empties stomach contents in explosive manner all over the bar]
PM2: You weren’t kidding. Feel better now?
Bartender: [Blinks. Looks at rag in his hand.]
PM1: Somewhat. Quite a bit, actually. How’s the family?

PM2: Getting by. Kid in college now. Boy, that went fast. I still remember…
PM1: Save it for your drunken speech at her wedding.
PM2: It’s funny. I used to wonder how my dad would feel if I were more successful than he was, when in fact that’s all a sane parent could hope for.
PM1: It reminds me of that lawyer joke great white sharks tell.
PM2: [Quizzical look]
PM1: You know. You’ve heard it. The two sharks are trying to get away from the lawyers, and the one says, Aw, give up, we’ll never outswim them; and the other one says, I don’t have to be faster than them, I only have to be faster than you.
PM2: [Can't stop chuckling]
PM1: Every generation wants its kids to outswim it. All we can do is buy them time. And pray they’ll be faster than the lawyers when we’re gone.
Bartender: Get you guys anything?
PM2: Got any pulque?
Bartender: [Blinks, looks at rag.]

One response to “Faster than the lawyers

  1. D

    Absolute comedy gold. Deep fried. With a slice of lime.