Little-known facts about the Great White Whale


  • The great white whale normally lives beneath the North Pole, at fantastic depths that would crush any other whale like a fortune cookie. It is in fact what the old legends about the man living in the north are based on. Google it if you don’t believe me.

  • The song of the great white whale rhymes, but only at a metaphysical level.
  • Someday, scientists will decipher the lyrics to its song, which are, “told you so, motherfuckers, told you so.”
  • The great white whale knows that the end of the world will be accompanied by a many armed goddess playing the cello like you’ve never heard. Her intonation will be so perfect.
  • So if you see a many-armed goddess playing the ukulele, relax, it’s not the end of the world.
  • The great white whale is susceptible to sadness around birthdays and anniversaries, like a lot of other people.
  • The great white whale can strip a room of wallpaper, sand the floor, paint the walls and paint the floor in a single weekend.
  • It doesn’t even get flustered when it realizes it will have to give the floor two more coats, and sand it by hand. Its shoulders are broad.
  • On the other hand, something little like the lock breaking on the bathroom door so the door is stuck shut and the whale has no access to its shaving equipment or hair products for a day or two until the lock guy comes can totally piss it off in a straw-that-broke-the-camel’s-back apocaplectic sort of way, for a few minutes, until the whale thinks that it’s a good thing no one was stuck inside the bathroom when this happened, such as its daughter, or mother-in-law, and that last image gives it a chuckle and the change of perspective sort of helps.
  • The white whale is fond of telling people it meets, “but you can call me Ishmael.”
  • On the other hand, if anyone says “it was a fluke thing,” or anything about sperm or blowing one more time, they are so dead.

13 responses to “Little-known facts about the Great White Whale

  1. Bauke

    My dad got stock in our bathroom once, when the lock broke. He had to drop the key out of the window and luckily we could make it work from the outside… 15 scary minutes though.

  2. apocaplectic?

    want to come work on the cottage, full fathom five?

  3. pam

    The bathroom was in the middle of the house. Luckily (?) it had happened before so when the classics student got stuck in there, the other roommates knew to pry the door off the hinges from the outside. Also lucky – that the hinges were on the outside.

  4. Apocaplectic! What a super new word. There’s even the hint of “Acapulco.” My wife will ask me if I made it up, but I’ll be honest.

  5. mig

    more on everyone’s favorite neologism(s) here:

  6. beta

    hey! hullo! salut from strasbourg! tell you more when i come home!!

  7. sue

    What will you do to the maefactors? whale them?

  8. k.

    you rock, mister.

  9. dommer

    unreleated question. I cant seem to find your email anywhere so im posting this here.

    I want to know if you ever did try a carbon fiber cello. Ive been renting for some time just a regular student cello and I find it such a waste. Id rather be financing. but Im afraid to finance because I might get the wrong cello. also if youve compaired quintus vs luis and clark. like you I prefer a darker cello. so I would buy whateve one is darker.

  10. i’ll be waiting for you mig, at the end of the world, all of my arms open and perfect intonation as ever….xx

  11. [White wales] are very vocal, emitting chirps, squeaks and clicking noises, which explains their nickname of sea canaries.
    Unlike most other cetaceans, they have the ability to nod and shake their heads from side to side.
    Typically, a single large male will lead a group of 5-20 [or say 4 + the in-laws] individuals.

  12. D

    White wails: the sounds emitted by a honkey in distress.

    White wales: when it snows in southern Great Britain.

    White Wayles: the outlaw known as Josey.

    And a neologism: apocatastatistics; the reason the angels of the Rapture will be carrying clipboards

  13. mig

    D, mail me at my gmail acct. in need your assistance with an international conspiracy.