What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever done or seen?
(Remember, my kid reads this site, so if it’s too weird, send it to me in email. On the other hand, she’s my kid, so she’s pretty used to weird. Use your judgement.)
I ask this because I’ve heard some weird stories lately, and this makes me think that a lot of people must have some.
I once tried to bake a cat. In my defense, I was young (pre-schoolerish) and the whole thing was somehow internally logical at the time. (I was trying to dry the poor thing, after giving it a bath to wash off some perfume that I had sprayed on it to make it smell better.)
My mom stopped me in time, although I had miraculously already set the oven correctly: bake at 350 degrees. Thank God she did, because I could never live with the shame of having cooked a cat.
i saw a guy die in a pub here. well, i saw him sitting and then i saw him not sitting. the paramedics came but they’re not allowed to take dead bodies, so they just put him in a body bag and waited for the morgue to come get him.
death is not weird, but seeing a barmaid step over a beer belly in a body bag to bring you your drink probably ranks up there.
this comment has been brought to you by the letters B and D.
Sorry, Anne, doesn’t count unless you actively did anything. Or did you like kill him?
Seriously, yes, stepping over a body bag with a tray of drinks, that’s one good barmaid. I saw a guy die while playing chess in the lunchroom where I work. Heart attack. His last word was “snark”. I’m not making light of it. Haven’t played chess since.
sorry, my mistake. done or seen. okay. you’re back in the contest.
Hmmm. So many choices.
1) One of the most surreal moments of my life was at a New Year’s Eve party in (pre-ceasefire) Belfast inthe early 90’s, talking to an engineer whose company was about to send himto America for some reason. He was terrified he’d be killed.”But we’re in Belfast! Things blow up here!” I said. “But America is so dangerous! You’re all mad!” he replied. I’m sure there’s a lesson I should take from that, but i’m still digesting yesterday’s Thanksgiving dinner.
2) In college, getting trapped beneath a turnstile at the El, wearing a huge puffy parka, with my legs straight up in the air. I tried to swing myself over the turnstile, but ended up sliding off backwards. Hence, flat on my back, legs inthe air at a 90 degree angle, looking like a turtle (tortoise?) on its back. I struggled to get up for a good ten minutes while my friends stood silently watching me, amazed. I have long been known as the turtle girl in places as far away as Honduras.
3) Recently, arriving at the wrong bowling alley/bar for a mock wedding, sitting around for about 20 minutes while people stared, realizing my mistake, then running out to hail a cab in a hideous, puffy white bridesmaid dress and huge pink hair. The cabby, to his credit, asked no questions, though he did keep looking at my quizically in the rear-view mirror.
“Haven’t played chess since.” Are you saying that you (mig) haven’t played chess since? Or the dead guy? Do they play chess in heaven? If so, do both sides always win? Hmmm, weirdness.. I can’t think of anything weirder than the time my brother gave me an embroidered red satin coat for Christmas that said my name and the word “hero” on the back. I think he meant it as a touching tribute. I think of it as the most embarrassing possible gift. I can’t give it away to charity for fear of some homeless person wearing it on the streets. I guess someday I will burn it, but haven’t yet..
Not so weird I guess…
Who decides what’s weird and what not? I mean, to me the things I do are normal …
years ago, while i worked as a phlebotomist, i tried drawing blood from a dead guy i didn’t know to be dead. he was still hooked up to all of his lines and it was very early in the morning. he was ice cold, but i just assumed he’d been laying outside all night or whatever and that they’d put him in icu to try and bring him around. his name was earl.
even though he seemed unresponsive, i spoke to him through the entire thing, telling him i had to take some blood for testing and that it would hurt a little and oh gosh, i was not able to find a good vein so would you mind if i did a fingerstick, earl? i actually did poke his finger – it was a blood sugar i was trying to draw and those are too critical to put off – and golly gee, nothing but nothing would come from that cold, cold finger. i spoke to earl pleasantly and reassuringly till some nurse or someone stuck their head in the room and told me that they “wouldn’t be needing that sugar” and i was all “oh, good because i’m having some trouble drawing it” and they were like “he’s gone.”
um, i said. um.
later i thought how maybe earl’s spirit was hovering over me. at least i was nice to him, although i felt weird and stupid for days.
I’m sure Earl’s spirit appreciated his body being treated with respect. Actually, I’m not sure, but it wouldn’t surprise me.
When I was 17, in a bar in Paris, I witnessed a French accordion player with one leg shorter than the other stealing the bra off a woman from Idaho without touching the buttons on her shirt. Just a couple deft motions, like those made by magicians – motions sensed, suspected but not actually recalled although they must have been witnessed – a couple deft motions and she was cupping her breasts through her shirt, and he was hanging the bra from the ceiling, up with all the hundreds of other bras.
It’s not the weirdest thing I’ve ever done or seen, but I still haven’t figured out how he did it.
Oh, and Novala: you decide what’s weird, of course. That’s the most interesting part, what other people perceive as weird.
i know that bra trick, but i have to work on my speed and i’ve never tried it on anyone aside from myself.
Things I would never tell anyone. Minor, foolish, harmless things, but far too embarrassing to do anything with but forget.
I’ve never seen anyone die. (‘Cept for a man in Reno, but I couldn’t help myself.)
One bright and sunny morning in Chicago, my 4 year old son and I are walking down the street to catch the bus to work/pre-school. Out of one of the wonderful homes steps a lovely 20-something Yuppie
woman.
We’re walking a few paces behind her. I’m envying her lovely home (I lived in a rental semi-slum) her lovely figure, her youth, her fashionable clothes. Suddenly she stops, gives her fanny a little shake and bends over to pick up a pair of pink satin tap-panties off the sidewalk. I feel embarrassed for her, and quickly try to cross the street as she blushingly looks around to see if any one just noticed her situation. I was pretending to watch the traffic, when my son pipes up loudly, “Mommy, that lady’s underware just fell off!”
I was at a friend’s house visiting her 6 month old twins. She was explaining to me that they had allergies and were very congested. She leaned over one of them and I thought she was just kissing it when I realized, upon closer examination, that she had put her mouth over its nose and was sucking the mucous out. I told her that I would never do that. She tried to tell me that I should never say never. When you have kids, you’ll do the same thing. I have two children now, and I have yet to clean their noses with my mouth.
Beta gets real embarrassed now when I do that in front of her friends.
I just reread this stuff.
Sarah it depends on whether you’re amphibian or reptilian.
CJ: you were at a Fetish Fashion Ball when you were 5? Cool. With your parents or friends? I would have dug that when I was that age, I was totally into tieing little girls to apple trees with jumpropes back then.