How to attract people

Provisional results of the ongoing Metamorphosism research project on how to attract people, executive summary:
Subject M, 45-year old male

  • Crazy people: Leave your heart chakra too wide open. Winos and crazy people would generally pick Subject M out of a crowd to share their life story, or plans for mass murder or other revelations until Subject M learned to close his heart chakra. The drawback of this method is, if you close your heart chakra to avoid attracting these people, then your heart chakra is closed.

  • Men: Lose ten pounds. Since he lost the weight, lots of guys have been flirting with Subject M. Or at least more than before, if not “lots.” Depends on your definition of “lots”.
  • Hedgehogs: Build cute little houses and leave food out. They’re such little bums. Also, open your heart chakra.
  • Beautiful women: Fart in your office. The effect is like rubbing a lamp and a genie appears. Worked for Subject M twice yesterday; both times, attractive co-worker appeared out of nowhere, entered office, sat down and did not leave again until she had smoked half a pack of menthols and explained how easy it is to change the locks on a door, she does it all the time when her husband walks out after a fight, she keeps fresh locks in a drawer in her apartment just in case.

3 responses to “How to attract people

  1. Hmm… maybe that’s my problem? I’ve been farting in other people’s offices instead of my own.

  2. What’s a chakra again?

  3. mig

    jesus, totally forgot to record what i’d been eating… lots of “sugar-free” chewing gum…
    i’ll repeat the experiment next time my wife cooks lentil soup. or my mother-in-law cooks anything.