I’ve never seen anyone die. (‘Cept for a man in Reno, but I couldn’t help myself.)

When I was 17, in a bar in Paris, I witnessed a French accordion player with one leg shorter than the other stealing the bra off a woman from Idaho without touching the buttons on her shirt. Just a couple deft motions, like those made by magicians – motions sensed, suspected but not actually recalled although they must have been witnessed – a couple deft motions and she was cupping her breasts through her shirt, and he was hanging the bra from the ceiling, up with all the hundreds of other bras.

It’s not the weirdest thing I’ve ever done or seen, but I still haven’t figured out how he did it.

even though he seemed unresponsive, i spoke to him through the entire thing, telling him i had to take some blood for testing and that it would hurt a little and oh gosh, i was not able to find a good vein so would you mind if i did a fingerstick, earl? i actually did poke his finger – it was a blood sugar i was trying to draw and those are too critical to put off – and golly gee, nothing but nothing would come from that cold, cold finger. i spoke to earl pleasantly and reassuringly till some nurse or someone stuck their head in the room and told me that they “wouldn’t be needing that sugar” and i was all “oh, good because i’m having some trouble drawing it” and they were like “he’s gone.”

um, i said. um.

later i thought how maybe earl’s spirit was hovering over me. at least i was nice to him, although i felt weird and stupid for days.

Not so weird I guess…

1) One of the most surreal moments of my life was at a New Year’s Eve party in (pre-ceasefire) Belfast inthe early 90’s, talking to an engineer whose company was about to send himto America for some reason. He was terrified he’d be killed.”But we’re in Belfast! Things blow up here!” I said. “But America is so dangerous! You’re all mad!” he replied. I’m sure there’s a lesson I should take from that, but i’m still digesting yesterday’s Thanksgiving dinner.

2) In college, getting trapped beneath a turnstile at the El, wearing a huge puffy parka, with my legs straight up in the air. I tried to swing myself over the turnstile, but ended up sliding off backwards. Hence, flat on my back, legs inthe air at a 90 degree angle, looking like a turtle (tortoise?) on its back. I struggled to get up for a good ten minutes while my friends stood silently watching me, amazed. I have long been known as the turtle girl in places as far away as Honduras.

3) Recently, arriving at the wrong bowling alley/bar for a mock wedding, sitting around for about 20 minutes while people stared, realizing my mistake, then running out to hail a cab in a hideous, puffy white bridesmaid dress and huge pink hair. The cabby, to his credit, asked no questions, though he did keep looking at my quizically in the rear-view mirror.

Seriously, yes, stepping over a body bag with a tray of drinks, that’s one good barmaid. I saw a guy die while playing chess in the lunchroom where I work. Heart attack. His last word was “snark”. I’m not making light of it. Haven’t played chess since.

death is not weird, but seeing a barmaid step over a beer belly in a body bag to bring you your drink probably ranks up there.

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